Healing From The Past

I heard it so clear ” You’re not going to be able to move forward and help others until you first are able to help yourself.”
The reason I host a transformational internet talk show is because I too am transforming. I am in a perpetual state of transformation and this dimension of transformation has been the most difficult. Even still, I believe that I have finally found that one piece (peace) that will take me to the other side. Finally.
I have three suns that are now grown men that I did not raise. Not in the traditional sense. During their childhood we spent every Christmas, New Years, and a couple weeks during the summer together every year for ten years. This part of my transitioning into the next dimension has been the most difficult because as I have been dealing with certain things in my life this part has been the most eye-opening, hurtful, shameful, and even guilt ridden.  Although my children and I each have great relationships, and they have never judged me for leaving them with their father or not being there 24/7 it is I who have dealt with life the most internally regarding this decision.  Their love for me have never waned and the older they get we seem to get closer.
Two years ago I made a decision to let go of a Nine year relationship because I felt I was not growing. I felt in some way stuck and not because my partner at the time made me feel that way but because I understood that we were going in different directions and the relationship itself was not growing. Leaving this relationship allowed me to spend quite a bit of time alone. Something I hadn’t done since 2005 after being run over by a car. This time alone afforded me the time to once again look at myself; up close and personal and do some inside work.
Eight months into my alone time and working on myself my youngest came to live with me to get himself together.  I felt like this was a second opportunity to get to know each other more and to deal with some things from our past so again, I was willing to do the work.  The fun quickly dissipated as this was a daunting task, more than I had imagined but too there were loving spaces for us to enjoy as well. But I  had to admit  that again,I found myself in a tough space trying to heal with someone who is now grown.  For  fourteen months we lived together trying to coexist in a world we both were new to at different points in our lives. This best thing was that neither of us held any resentment of the other even though we were getting on each others nerves at times and we loved each other more than we got on each others nerves. We were learning, growing, and letting go of parts of ourselves that were no longer needed or effective in order to have a more functional relationship. During the times we talked I would find myself learning just how much I had missed out of his and his brothers lives. I felt guilty at best even though he wasn’t telling me so that I could, he would just tell me stories of things that he had lived, and I myself saw what he had endured because I was not there.
My sun moved out recently and we are at a great place. Even though some of it was tough it was one of the best experiences that I’ve had. It was so necessary for the growth of us both and helped us to be able to move forward in our purpose.  Not long ago his father came to town for a funeral and of course he stopped by to see my son, and then they both came to see me.  My ex-husband and I have always remained friends over the years as divorced mothers and fathers should in order to co-parent children. We also check in with one another from time to time as well. We all sat in my living room laughing talking about all of my suns, their lives, and what we’ve experienced. As I sat, listened, and watched the two of them together I realized two things; one I had made the right decision to leave them with their father because of their relationship; but the second was a little heartbreaking as I came to an even further conclusion of how much I had really missed out on my boys lives.  That night I would be happy and sad at the same time.  When they left my heart was a little heavy. It wasn’t heavy because I thought that I should’ve stayed in the relationship with their father but because I felt that maybe I should’ve stayed closer to them so that I did not miss them growing up, football games, and many firsts.
I allowed myself to feel these emotions and think about what could’ve been if I had not moved to a different state and remained physically closer to my children. I cried a little at the things that I had missed, time that was lost, and then asked myself questions, waited for the answers and listened to myself as I spoke. I knew it was necessary for me not to run from the answers and the things that I had done but to gain an understanding of what has happened, why, and how to move on and heal from them.
I have since reconciled my feeling with regards to that night, and our past. I believe that things happen for many different reasons and we should not relive them over and over but to work through them so that we can have a better future.

Suicide or Legacy

The words “Legacy is Intentional” ran through the forefront of my mind like rushing water this morning. I thought about the legacy I almost didn’t leave, and the accomplishments made from a person who contemplated suicide almost daily from the age of 12 to about 28. I gave in to thoughts about the consequences my actions could’ve held if I had been successful. I ponder the businesses I’ve started since and the Interviews I’ve done with some of Michigan’s up and coming as well as seasoned thought leaders, speakers, authors, journalist, and artists. What if I hadn’t been here to share some of the stories that I have been privy to hear, the account of lives transformed from incarceration, death, spiritual defamation, travesty, sickness, mental health, and other such causes.

My intention twenty years ago to leave a different legacy not for myself but for those who would come behind me ultimately made me look at life in a different way. I had to transform my own thoughts to believe that I can be me, live in the world, and succeed. I understood that I am purposed in life to be who I am so that abundance or blessings that would occur could not be said to have been something that I had done; but the work of a higher power. In my platform I talk about things that others would call faults being gifts that were given to us and how we utilize those gifts or not, is the determining factor of our destiny. I pray that I have been a blessing in the lives of others and that I been of value to all the lives that I have touched. If not, I believe that I still have time left.


Website: kai-mann.com
Twitter: @kaiology
Instagram: @kaiology
Facebook: @kaiology
YouTube: @KaiologyMann

“Elevated Living” Interview with Jodi Luster

On Sunday, December 14th I was interviewed by Jodi Luster of Elevated Living on urbannationradio.com. Check out the audio of part 1 and 2 of this interview.






Love Notices

I used to love love

like that

I’m not sure

I know what


I do

but I don’t understand

what effect

that has

on me

I’m talking bout

that love






that tugs

at you

from within

dragging everything



that kind of love

that takes you

through it all

and at

the end

you’re both

still standing there

they say if God

takes something

from you

He gives you



I can’t imagine

Something’s missing

God helps me

like I know it’s HIM


I feel it

just a little nudge

of what to

pay attention


the question is

“will I heed the nudge”

life’s notices

are sometimes hard

to act upon

I wish it was something

I could tell


but they are



if you let go

of them

it gets easier.

I might be wrong

but someone who

loves you will

let you be you

while helping you

be better

~ Kaiology Kai Mann © 2014

#Kaism #Kai2pointO


30 Day Notice on Barnes and Noble

Thank You

When you do the work you’re not always sure how it will be received. I thank each and every one of you who’ve read my work: 30 Day Notice, Abandoned Property, and the Pen To Paper series. I extend an even more personal thank you to those who have “LIKED” my Facebook pages and have not only read my blogs kai-mann.com, kaiologywetyourintellectualtastebuds.blogspot.com, and Examiner.com articles but have “Subscribed” to keep in touch. That means a lot. That means you can relate. That means you can hear me. I appreciate your time & energy to support the words that I pour out into the Universe. Love is the expression I feel. Peace.

#Kaiology #Kai2pointO

Life Wasn’t Made For Repeat



It’s important to be

To be honest on both occassions

The point is to be authentic

no matter what

I don’t know yet if anyone else

Really appreciates it

or if I appreciate it more

No matter what

I want to be honest

Sometimes I am more honest

than I really meant to be

But sometimes I don’t feel like messing around

It doesn’t take all of that

You find out quicker

Where you stand

You don’t have to drag it out

And I don’t have to drag it out

I just want to get

Get to the good part

I just want to spend

This part better

It doesn’t have to be perfect

But just better

Life wasn’t made for repeat

It’s made to enjoy

But we put all these formalities

in the way

Instead of you being you

And me being me

I don’t know about you but

I think that’s better.

Even when you look for a job

The employer asks you a few questions

To see if

If the two of you will fit

They aren’t looking for a short term relationship

Are we going to both

Both be able to get the job done

Can we open each other’s souls up

So much


that we feel each other

From the inside

Our souls are draw to each other

Like Magnets

Magnets about to touch



It almost seems impossible

Not to think about the past

The past is tangible

It’s something you can see, touch, and some cases feel

I want to go to another level

Where there is more

more than that

that happens then this

I’m ready to do something different

I got a taste for it

I’m craving it

I just feel like it’s time

Time to go higher

Just pick up our feet

And just do it

We always kidding

But for real what are we doing

For real though…

What are we doing

have we ever really said

But then apart of me


so what

Why you gotta be doing something