2017 A Year Of Reconciliation


When it is time to be alone everyone you know will disappear. Not in the definition of vanishing and that you are unsure of where they are, or that you yourself didn’t have something to do with their disappearance but it will happen because it is time.  When it is time for you to take in account for the life that you have created you must reconcile the balances of deposits and withdrawals you have taken or given. There is a Divine space of Contemplation of what is, what was, and how it all has affected you, and the people who have walked in the same spaces with you. 2017 has been that year for me, a year of reconciliation. A year to reconcile or balance the accounts and transactions that I have made throughout the years.

The first step was reconciling the discrepancies and over 49 years there have been many. You see, when you reconcile a discrepancy it begins with the date a transaction was done. This relates to the stories we have told ourselves since the transactions, to account for and balance them. We may have reconciled it since that date with ourselves but if there was anyone else involved it must also be reconciled with them as well. When this happens the story usually changes because listening you now hear it from their perspective and can garner a full picture. This picture usually changes from what your limited vision has been to seeing a picture in its entirety. A 360 view. Now, seeing everything, you must come to grips with what you will do with the picture you now see.

As 2017 progressed I’ve been going over my life piece by piece. Dealing with one thing at a time; myself, my children, my family, my relationships, and friendships. What I feel as each part of my life has been called to be reconciled I’ve learned that I’ve walked in a space of what borders on selfishness and abandonment depending on the side of the road that I am walking and on what day. No matter the time or day, it is surely the time to be reconciled with all my past actions. The scales of life are now balanced, and the time of judgement is now due. This judgement I exact upon myself as the consequences of life bears down on me.  It bears down not in a fit of angry rage but of truth, and genuine conversations and thought. No malice or ill-will intended, the bearing down comes from wanting to feel lighter as I move into this next phase of life and try to understand the breadth of what is weighing me down. And without hesitation or apprehension I resist not the bearing down as I have demanded of my higher self to know and understand more, and this bearing down comes as a result of what has transpired.

The time has come for me to see with full vision how the other half has lived. While being in a state of what was deemed as “Saving myself” so that I could still be here to enjoy life with each of my pieces I believe that I detoured which left some to fend for themselves. As each piece would come to full view there became an overwhelming state of shame and guilt as I could see some of the devastation that was left behind. Although normal to feel guilt and shame, I knew too that in order to move forward it too was okay to let those feelings go, but not before apologizing for the past hurt, or what could have felt like betrayal, or disloyalty on my part.

It’s tough to stand at full attention, dropping ego to the floor, and at times your own feelings so that you can hold on to the weight of their feelings, and emotions while hearing their and your story from the place where they stood. What felt like unconditional love to me was that there has never been any judgement of me, to me, from their lips. Just stories of what happened on their journeys. They never held me in contempt or condemnation, never yelled, or spoke in a condescending tone: They just told me the story. I thank God for that because I didn’t want to be made to feel worse by them or by me for that matter. Sometimes when we make it about us we demand that they make us feel guilty, or more guilt so that we can bear the weight of what happened. There is little time nor energy for that. We have all been through something but the realization of it all is to continue to learn from, grow, and evolve those stories to make new and better ones. I cannot thank them enough for their handling of me in my mishandling of them.

As I continue to allow myself to be opened however it comes, I don’t feel gutted, but I can speak with honesty and saying that sometimes as I see me at some stages of life, I don’t like me.  I don’t like the me that left in the manner in which I did. I don’t like the me that detoured from the spontaneity of life and checked out on the people that mattered. I know that I didn’t do it on purpose, and I know that I did it with limited knowledge, sight, and vision but I do wish that I had done it differently. But even so, when I think about that statement I know that if I had, I wouldn’t be the same person that I am now, having the same experiences that I am now and who’s to say that they would’ve been better or worse. This is life. The one that I chose, and I believe that I have the capacity to live it and that is what I am going to do. So, I continue to allow self to be opened, taught, displayed, grown, evolved, and ultimately transfigured because one thing that I am sure of is that this ‘is’ what I put here to do.

 

 

 

 

Before You Burn That Bridge


I’ve been thinking a lot about the truth and being courageously authentic. And, how it is so easy to walk away from the story because it’s the part that you don’t like that’s coming up. You see I had this thing I used to do when watching movies when I could tell that someone was about to get caught doing something that wasn’t necessarily wrong, but maybe you could see that they were about to walk into a trap that you believe that they should’ve inevitably seen and done something different. Normally I would stop watching, or fast forward but I’ve been in deep contemplation about how everything can be going so well in your life and then you are challenged to do something that you know will change the trajectory of your life, almost like a sharp turn to the left in the middle of going right with no warning.
It’s funny how when there is a part of your life or journey that needs to be shared or told that you hesitate to do it. Even when you know that it is essential to the journey because of the great possibility for healing; you, them, or someone else. But you know you are obligated to do it, so you do. You run back across that bridge for the last time to get that story that demands to be told because of the requirement for passage back across so that you can go to the next dimension but not before the Universe gives the authorization to burn that bridge in hopes of you never crossing it again and it never being able to hurt you again either.

#burningbridges #stories #growthmindset#selflove #selfgrowth #evolution#revelation

Stories on The Live Network


Ever since I was younger it felt like I was the keeper of stories. I never knew what I was to do with these stories but I’d listen anyway. It all started with my aunts. Every summer, Christmas, or Thanksgiving they would always share family stories. I loved hearing about my family. When I was in the fifth grade my grandmother passed away and the stories began to change. As I got older people would always stop me and tell me stories. Friends and acquaintances too would tell me their deepest, darkest secrets, things no one else knew about them. I just figured that I was suppose to go to my grave with their stories but I’m starting to realize that I have the perfect place to put them all; on The Live Network. We live in a diverse world and everyone’s story deserves to be told. We’re not judging them, we’re listening and learning from them all. Join us this fall for new exciting shows. Just log on to http://www.watchthelivenetwork.com and you’ll get to see the world that others live in, how they got there, and why.

#stories #thelivenetwork #diversestories #realpeople #realshows documentaries #docuseries#webseries #talkshows #elevationnationmediagroup #ENMG #yunghoodtomannhood #outloudinthed#thereturnofprestonjacobs #knivesandforks

Empire ~ Lucious Lyon


Lucious Lyon

 

I think that although Lucious truly hates that his son Jamal is gay, he does love him in his own way. Lucious is ashamed of Jamal and he thinks he’s being hard on him for a reason. I believe that he’s been trying to toughen him up from the first time he saw him in those heels and he put Jamal in the trash. His battle with Jamal last Wednesday on Empire showed it. He was battling Jamal, not really over a song but because he knows how tough the world is going to be on his son and being good or talented is not enough. Lucious is trying to make him tougher. Who better than your father to be the toughest on you so that when you’re out in the world you’ll be able to say “That’s all you got!”

(this is beautiful…watch below)

Now, I’m not advocating or agreeing that Lucious is right for the treatment of his gay son but I’ve learned to not judge people’s parenting skills since most of the time I’m a bit sketchy about my own. All I’m saying is that’s what I believe he’s doing. I’ve seen someone say that they refuse to watch Empire and called it Ratchet. They stated it so because they were Christian  and I was kind of offended being someone who prides themselves on reading the word and to be honest, the Bible has the most ratchet stories in it if I might add: but most of us still read the Bible because we know that in the end someone gets delivered. Now, I’m not saying that on Empire someone’s going to be delivered but I do see where weekly the characters on the show are evolving. What they are evolving into is different altogether but I think this show works because Lee Daniels has found a dialogue of relatability within the black community. No, I’m not saying that Empire is every person in the black community’s story but surely if I can watch this story unfold I might be able to understand some people in the community.  We tend to denigrate things before we’ve had a chance to see the morality in mortals. We don’t really believe that God can change people helping them to extend themselves, grow, and evolve. There can be no light without darkness and sometimes it’s almost as if we are afraid to look at the dark. How will we ever be able to understand the magnitude of the light if we’re too afraid to look at the dark.

I think it’s time to tell our own stories. We need new ones anyway.

If you watch Empire on Fox, tell me what you think about the show, who’s your favorite character, and what you think about this blog post. ©2015 Kai Mann #KaiologyInk #Kaism #Kai2pointO

#EmpireFox #Empire #Fox

Talk Tuesday- Taraji P. Henson


I had no idea that she likes Taraji P. Henson just as much as I. The commercial for the new series “Empire” came on and we both said “I want to watch that” almost at the same time. I looked over at her and was very surprised that she felt the same way. Sometimes we don’t share the same view for some actors, shows, and movies. I exclaimed “I love me some Taraji P. Henson!”

We began to talk about who we thought Taraji to be as a person. Roxie said joyfully “I think that Taraji and I could be friends” I said “Yeah, I could see that.” We both agreed that Taraji seems to be down to earth

Several days prior I was finishing up my vision board for 2015 and was going through a box of magazines that Roxie had brought me from her mother’s house. I came across an October 2014 article about Taraji in Ebony Magazine. I learned quite a bit about her. Usually when I say that I love someone it’s not because I know them personally but because I love their work, gift, or craft.

Photo by: Sherry Nields for Ebony Magazine (NY Daily News)
Photo by: Sherry Nields for Ebony Magazine (NY Daily News)

Ebony’s Editor-in-Chief Mitzi Miller asked Taraji “What’s one thing that your status hasn’t been able to help with?” Taraji’s response was surprising but not. I shared with my partner that Taraji had stated that she is “still fighting for basic shit career wise.” That she has every accolade that is required of an A-List actor but she is still treated like she is on the D-List.

We began to talk about the list of movies and shows Taraji had been in and how we both loved her in “Baby Boy”. Roxie stated that Taraji had not been in any A-List movies and that she needed a role that would catapult her to the A-list. I said and how will she do that?  Look at all the so-called A-List movies, in them were all casted by white actresses. Think of any black actress that you could see playing the lead role in any A-List movie that you’ve seen. Roxie paused a moment to think of one. She spouted out “Halle Berry” I said “in Hollywood Halle is not black.  Name any black actress outside of Halle who’s played a bond girl.” She said “you’re right.” We began to talk about Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer. These are both great actresses but still haven’t really quite gotten their just due. Yes, sure Viola has HTGAWM but she has been deserving of so much more for a long time.

I began to get upset, not that I had just realized it but now it’s time to really talk about it. Black actors and actress will only reach a certain level in “Hollywood” we need these young black filmmakers and writers to come together to create not a “Black” Hollywood but opportunities for black actors and actress to have the same level of success. We need to come together to make good quality movies about every aspect of the black life and we need to be supportive of each other whether that is our story, or not. We have to realize that the black life is exponentially diverse and not one dimensional.

Some of us get upset at Tyler Perry or other filmmakers for making films that we think may do damage to the community as a whole but we must realize that ‘All” black stories are worthy to be told. The black experience being vast deserves to be explored in every way possible. If we try to control the stories that we think really matters then we aren’t open to change, and leave ourselves limited in our thinking. This is why we think that being black means one thing only and we try to place every black person in the same black box and when they do not fit we say that they aren’t black enough or whatever else we say to try to control them into being the kind of black that we are.

Just at that point I got upset even more because I began to think of ways that we contribute to what the standards in Hollywood say when we don’t go to the movies to support these people. “We have some talented actors but they will never reach the level of their potential if we don’t support them. If we don’t stop with the boot-legged CD’s and actually go out to a movie to watch these actors they won’t get the numbers they really need to be number one or A-List.”

There are quite a few reasons why the black actor has to work twice as hard and sometimes still do not come out on top. The least we can do as black people is see their work and support them.

Let me know what you think. Leave a comment below. #KaiologyInk

 

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Like That


I think they tell their

stories

the best way

they know

how

Rappers

tell the truth

of what

they see

if they haven’t

done it

themselves

but none of us are

at the same place

at the same

time

Do you remember you were

there

maybe not just like that

for your life

but like that

for

his.

~Kaiology

#Kaism #Kai2pointO

Becoming ‘My Sister’s Keeper’


On my way to lunch

It may sound crazy but one morning I woke up with the words I Am My Sister’s Keeper seemingly etched in my brain. I told my partner how that I wanted to watch the thoughts and the words I used towards my sisters. I wanted to consciously think positive thoughts about them and how I wanted her to join me. (She probably thought that I was crazy because I literally woke up out of my sleep talking to her about this as I got of bed that morning.)

If you’ve read my poetry or any of my writings you could probably come to some conclusions about me: that I am forever working to improve myself. A couple of weeks ago I began to recognize how I am my sister’s keeper and how it is up to me to be mindful of that responsibility. I came up with the idea that I would do the same thing that author Versandra Kennebrew did in her book Thank God for the Shelter.

For two weeks now I have been wearing a rubber band around my wrist. The idea of wearing the rubber band was to be a reminder of every time I thought a negative thought about one of my sisters, said something negative out loud, or even acted in a negative way toward one of my sister; I would pop myself with the rubber band.  I didn’t realize that although I may not consistently say negative words regarding my sisters out loud, I had some negative thoughts, and every time that I did, I would pop myself with the rubber band. (Let’s just say, I am not as HOLY as I thought I was…LOL)

I’ve always thought myself to be a pretty positive person. I know that I never wish anyone any harm but I realized that some of my actions were harmful, even if the recipient, my fellow sister never even knew it; I did. I wanted to have a clear conscious about my sisters because I don’t know any of their stories, why they act as they do, the journey that they’ve been on, or even the fights they’ve had to fight.

I had no idea that even my words to my partner whom I was sure thought I was crazy and would not join me on this journey but the following day she told me that she indeed had. I must say that I was very proud of the fact that she not only heard what I said but she listened and joined in. She would later tell me that on her first day she was having a bad day at work and had told a co-worker what we were doing. She told her co-worker that she was upset and even though she was not supposed to say anything negative, she began popping herself with the rubber band because she knew that she was about to. I laughed hard when she told me this because I could feel her pain.

In the upcoming days and weeks I will share some of the things that I had to pop myself with the rubber band to remind myself that I was not being a good steward over my sisters. Some of these things I would do prior to this task without a second thought.  I hope that you’ll want to read more. If you do, subscribe to my blog so that you’ll receive an email every time that I post.

Peace and Love…