Somewhere Between Death & Rebirth


Sometimes when I sit to write the words seem to escape me. I’m in this space of learning and growing and I feel like I can’t find the words to speak with the highest regards and honor for this space but here goes…

It has been said that you are the greatest project that you will ever get to work on. That is so true. I used to hear others talk about doing ‘your work’ and I don’t think I truly knew what that meant for me. I wasn’t sure what work I had to do but mostly I was afraid that I didn’t have the time to do it. Somewhere in 2013 I remember thinking to myself “I am too happy. Something is getting ready to change.” I didn’t mean it in a negative way but in a way of knowing that the principle of rhythm will soon be at work without really knowing that principle in the sense that I do now. I think what I love most about us as energy, souls or spirits is that there is always this higher self at work. This subconscious nature we have that knows more than the surface of who we are often guides us into the next state of being without force.

I thank God, the Creator, Source, ‘The ALL” whatever it is that you want to call it but I am most grateful that I have come to be in the mind of it allowing me this time and space on this plane. As I come into more knowledge of who I am and beginning to understand my work. I understand it to be undoing all that has been done up until this point. Experiences that left residual feelings of pain, shame, expectations, negativity, and the like. Originally done by my parents trying to raise me the best they knew how. My extended family adding their learned behaviors and experiences, as well as the friends and others that played extras in “The Life of Kai”. Most of the residuals after a certain age where left by my own hands. Trying to make sense of a world that I believe most people don’t understand anyway. Many themselves are trying to figure things out and we end up using them as sounding boards, examples and what have you.

I have come to be at the place where birth and death meet. A space in between where the ashes are beginning to form but I am long away from the Phoenix rising up out of the ashes. This place is where the work began a while ago and now seeing the effects that the work has on you. It is seeping into the places where voids stood. Not realizing that there were so many voids. Voids I have been writing about these last three years but I’m now contemplating how I have walked with some defects for quite some time. If you know anything about defects you know that you learn to use other members of your body in place of those defects to make up for the deficits. It usually means that at times you end up over compensating for a few things. Boy, did I over compensate for a few things.

I’m laughing right now inside of myself because I know that I’m about to share some things that people outside of my circle don’t know but the funny part is that most people would ask “Why is she telling her personal business?” Well, it’s not for those who ask that question but for those who would read it and say “I can relate.”

For years I used to go around helping people. So much so that I would put myself in a space of lack. I’d buy diapers, clothes, and such for other people’s babies and later would have to file bankruptcy on the card that I used to purchase their children’s things. Well, let me start at the beginning. I grew up without a concept of money. You see, the age difference between my sister and brother are twelve and thirteen years so when it got to me I kind of missed out on some of the teachings because my mother was kind of tired. No fault of her own, she did what she could. I had three other aunts and from the time I can remember, somewhere around age eight or nine every Christmas my cousins and I would walk around with hundreds of dollars in our pockets. Every year I’d lose mine until my cousin who is two years older than I got smart and decided to start holding it for me because she was tired of sharing her money with me. (I was the baby girl of my family’s generation.) So, I don’t know if I would say that my cousin and I were spoiled. I would say that our family loved and supported each other something that we have been missing since their generation.

Anyway, back to the story. Money had kind of plagued me since that time. Always receiving money and never being able to keep it. I don’t think I understood about money. I just knew that you’d get more of it probably because they (my family) would replace it in some way. Well, when I began to look back over my life when I chose to “do my work” I realized that I had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. I’d lose it and then later that year or so, I would have the opportunity to gain it back. I had been in places where I was living paycheck to paycheck and my credit score had never gone any higher than 585. I couldn’t understand what the deal was, yet I never thought to do anything about it.

Well, one day I told myself I could not go on like this. This had to end because I was getting way too old for this to be happening and I didn’t want to walk into my destiny this way. So, I began to make changes. Last year I had to purchase a new car and because I am working on my work I had to be honest with myself and get what I could afford which was a 2014 Toyota Corolla. I would love to tell you that some of those childish feelings one would feel didn’t come up for me when I pulled up to my apartment after purchasing it. Not only did I get a Toyota Corolla, I got a red one. I have never owned a “Red” anything in my life and I hadn’t driven a car since 2005. The reason I ended up getting a new car was because my 2007 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition was about to be paid off and the last eighteen months that I had it everything that could go wrong on it did go wrong. So, going from a Truck to the smallest car ever was a bit of a struggle mentally for about 24 hours when I realized that it was new, it was mine, and it could’ve been so much worse. I had to become grateful for this car that had nothing wrong with it rather than worrying about how I would look in it when I pulled up anywhere and got out of it. I had to be grateful because I knew that I had a way to work, business meetings, and anywhere else I needed to go.

The next thing in doing my work was getting out of the financial hole I had dug myself in trying to pay vendors, pay bills, start businesses, buy equipment and make ends meet. I decided to get another job. By my calculations it would take me about 6 months to pay off a few things, and to put a healthy cushion between me and having no money. And if I did it for a year I’d have a nice little nest egg. So, I did it. I won’t tell you that I don’t want to quit. That I’d rather be doing something else because of course I would, but it is important to me that I create the life that I want and the only way to do it is to do ‘the work’.

You see, the hardest thing to do is to change behavior especially when you’ve been doing it for years. But when you decide to do your work you create lasting change and place yourself in a better situation not just for you but for everyone in your midst.

“Learn How To Take Your Finances & Life To The Next Level.”

The Live Richer Academy

The Budgetnista

If you have enjoyed reading this blog post, please share it with your friends and family. Also, I would be honored if you would subscribe so that every time I publish a blog post you’ll receive a notification. I am much grateful to you for your time and energy reading what I have to say, thank you. We are in this life together, feel free to leave a comment below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reflection (2017) Part 2


2017 was like that mother that beat you into submission, but then sat you down to explain ‘why’. Once you understood why it was whipping you into shape, you knew that it wanted you to climb higher into your next level of consciousness.

It was the year that demanded you learn. Learn more about yourself and the world around you. This past year taught me many lessons that I am proud and blessed to have endured, been challenged by, and brought through. It gives me deep satisfaction to say that 2017 gave me pivotal points in my life, and acted as healing in some areas and made me keenly aware of others that needed fixing and or changing. I think the major thing it taught me was that I had assigned tasks to myself that were never my responsibility.

In some spaces I had to forgive myself for not knowing the value of my resources, time and energy. I had to lay hold to forgiveness of myself for sacrificing my worth for some people who didn’t know their own. I had charged some clients the bare minimum in order to obtain their business and had to pay for some of their services out of my own pocket. I took the time to forgive myself for working in collaborative situations where I did 90-95% of the work. Also, I forgave myself for working with clients who weren’t ready for the next level where I or someone on my team had to drag them along kicking, screaming or complaining about why they had to do the work in the first place, or why they had to pay for it, and sometimes doing the work for them. I learned that I had said “You be the gift and let us do the work” too many times. I learned that before you judge someone else, you had to look at yourself first to see if you do the same thing, something similar, or are responsible for why it’s happening.

2017 made me realize just how many tools and resources that we had been given to help us navigate our existence in this world.  Some of or either all of the resources that we were given throughout time many of us have denied ourselves access to because of old wives’ tales, myths, religious, or familial beliefs. Some of these beliefs go back so far that the reason is no longer valid or never was, but we still hold those reasons to be truths in our daily practice still today. Looking back, I realize ignorance and inexperience played a major part. Not that many of us wanted to be ignorant but for most of us it was our upbringing where we were always told how and what to think and that we shouldn’t question things. So, for most of our lives we walk blindly and do as we were told.

Now, as some of us are awakening, we find the reasons no longer valid and that the “Why” is not more important than the “how”. How do we begin to move forward in the newness of our day-to-day? How do we take those lessons we’ve learned and start to utilize some of the tools and resources that we now find that we have?

At the moment we contemplate the tools and resources that we find that we have, we recognize that they are more like inclusive road maps that we have been given access to. I use the term “inclusive” because many of them come from the inside. The tools we have gives us the ability to read the maps, the resources help us to take the journey within the map. The lessons keep us on the right roads on the map. I start to see that we are the map. The thoughts or mindset our tools. The resources our bodies which make manifested actions from our thoughts or mindset as well as those that help us to manifest the experiences on our journey.

The one thing 2017 made clear for me was to seek knowledge. That knowledge expanded our thoughts and mindset. And that knowledge proved itself one thing over time, and that there is nothing new under the sun and some of our teachers of this knowledge have been life bringers, some guides, some healers, some gurus, some mystics, some prophets, some messengers, and such but we’ve refused to obtain much of this knowledge mostly because of their source. We don’t realize that we all come from ‘the’ Source and have been the source. I don’t think we come to understand that each of us are the Source; a form of it anyway. Every single one of us holds a part of the Source within us, the Source is expressed through us and we all play a part of one another’s existence making us REsources. Knowledge comes from Source and reaches us through other sources to complete the knowledge of Source.

It’s like being lost and handed a map, a GPS locator, some rope, a hammer, or whatever and not using it because it came from Walmart or CVS and not Macy’s or Nordstroms. My hopes, prayers, and meditations are upon us utilizing ALL of our tools, resources, sources and the Source to move into our higher selves as a universal collective.

As with any thing expressed or experienced, I pray for many things going into 2018.  But mostly, I pray that my children are aware of the knowledge within and that they go to Source and when Source sends to them other sources that they utilize that resource. I pray that they are better people and parents than I was. I pray that the things that I learned in life have been a resource to them and that I shared enough with them to the extent that they may not have to experience any of those things; but if they do, I pray that they know exactly what to do. I hope that the example that I currently set for them makes them want to expand their level of consciousness every day and that they let nothing stop them from achieving all that they came here to do. I pray that my suns know that they are KINGS even when they aren’t acting KINGLY. I pray that they know they are loved without conditions and that I know them to be GREAT even when they are not.  I pray that they know that their actions do not define them. I pray that my suns know that no matter who they are that I will always love them. I pray that they know that Source loves them more than I ever could. I pray that when they fall they know how to get up. I pray that as the going gets tough that they know that they are tougher.  I pray that every day that they wake that they’ll try again.

This is what 2017 taught me, gave me, healed me from and allowed me to experience. Now, let’s move into 2018 with gratitude and gratefulness!

 

 

 

 

 

If you have enjoyed reading this blog post, please share it with your friends and family. Also, I would be honored if you would subscribe so that every time I publish a blog post you’ll receive a notification. I am much grateful to you for your time and energy reading what I have to say, thank you. We are in this life together, feel free to leave a comment below.

 

This year, the Kai Mann blog will post every 1st and 3rd Monday of the month.  Stay tuned, I’ve got some amazing experiences, thoughts, and ideas that I want to share with you. If you like what you read, do me the honor of sharing it with anyone that you believe that it will resonate with. You can also check out the Kaiology Mann YouTube channel for videos and please do subscribe. I appreciate you and stand with you in the building of your 2018. Let’s get it!