Let The Dead Bury The Dead


Okay, so if you follow me on Facebook you know that I post quite a bit of questions, “be mindful” quotes, inspirational flyers and posts to inspire thought. Recently I posted “Let the dead bury the dead”. This was actually posted after I was thinking about Easter and the concept of, traditionalized, and ritualistic events that we partake of during this season.  I wondered if “Jesus” would rather us focus on going within and finding our purpose and what we came to do rather than celebrating his death and resurrection. I wondered if he thought we were too focused on dead things. Dead rituals, dead traditions, dead relationships, and that only the dead could continue to bury the dead year after year, generation after generation. At what point do we begin to do something different realizing the state of the dead walking. And then I started thinking about the concept of Jesus…anyway, my thoughts can sometimes go deeper so rather than posting all of that I just posted “let the dead bury the dead” wondering what others would think of that statement. After posting it I had a family member reply with a bit of concern. I’m laughing at it now because I can see how some could be concerned if their perception of me was depressive. Well, I stated that I was okay and basically that the post was about perception. But this actually got me to thinking after it was said that I’ve given the perception that I was serious. It is no perception at all, I am serious. I’ve always been that way. Don’t get me wrong, that is not the total sum of who I am, but I have always had a serious nature. To really love me you have to know me and not the perception of who you believe me to be.

Many of us say “you don’t know me” and it’s just a thing that is said to another when questioned about an act or deed when something out of the norm was done. But I realized that no one outside of my partner and God really knows me. I believe that my life’s purpose is to be a change, or transformations agent if you will, and my higher self has sown the seeds within my platform of self-love, self-growth, and self-development. A lot of my posts on social media has been about others and what they think, encouraging and empowering them. As a person with a Scorpionic nature I could be called secretive but that’s not who I am really. I share much of me through my writing but those things that are deep I have reserved for the space that call for them. Which normally means for those who too enjoy the more deep, thoughtful conversations and have a need for me to share them. My apple cart would be to have more of these type conversations as this is where I feel most at home.

In my life, I have been the person that people come tell their deepest secrets to. I’m not kidding either, I have people walk up to me in stores or wherever and just start talking to me and telling me intimate things about them. For many I have been the person that has been an ear, the secret keeper, a voice of reason, or given to wisdom. But during this time, no one has really asked me outside of my partner, about me. What do I like, what do I think, what do I need, what do I feel? That is my role within this universe, what I agreed to before I came here and I don’t take it lightly, nor do I bitch and moan about it because that is why I am here; but I believe that I do begin to wonder when people assume that I am one way or given to a perception that I am another way because they never asked.

I then began to think about the relationships that I have with people who are family members and those that would call me friend, I realized that even if they are associated with me by blood, some sort of friendship, or business relationship that they don’t really know me at all. They’ve felt close to me because I have encouraged, supported, filled a void or space in their lives but there has not been much reciprocation. For my family members, they know me from whatever age we last had interaction and for most people that’s who you still are.  I’ve walked a lone path for much of my life. Not lonely or alone, just lone. I am not uncomfortable with this part of me. It has been who I have been for most of my life. It was who I was groomed to be. It was who I circumstantially was destined to be, this is my assignment and I am okay with it. So, not for myself but for others to see, I did a post that said I would give a $100 to the person who could answer all six questions, only because I knew no one could. I wanted to dissolve a perception that I believe people have of me. And these were they:

  1. Why did I change my name to Kai?
  2. What makes me laugh?
  3. What makes me cry?
  4. What is my favorite day of the week?
  5. What has the last 5 years been like for me?
  6. What am I most proud of?

 

 

Healing From The Past -Part 2


Dealing and Healing
They say that in order to heal you first have to deal so I took a look at the cards I had dealt myself over the past 20 years and honestly, I saw some things that I didn’t like. Although this began 20 years ago I still had to look at those experiences because they were effecting my now and the infinite possibilities of my future.  The best part about this is that even though I had lots of time alone, I wasn’t really alone. On the road to dealing there was a beautiful spirit that was by my side to help me navigate the terrain I was embarking upon. And without judgment she offered me a beautiful space to rest from my weary travels and to unpack all the bags I had been carrying. This has been the most candid that I have been with myself and with someone else. From the beginning she and I would vow to do something different in the relationship that we hadn’t done in others which was to be honest, and to tell each other everything. So we did, and when I did she would go in deep asking tough questions that at times I wasn’t even sure I had answers to.  Patiently she would wait while I went back to that time to enlist thoughts I might’ve been thinking bringing out some truths that were difficult to chew on let alone swallow.  However, she offered me bite sizes while providing me with love and support and encouraging me when I needed it most. When she or I were sharing our truths the thought of the one leaving the other because of it never crossed our minds. We knew what we wanted to build and we knew that it would take everything we had and neither of us was willing to settle for anything less than our best and we would do whatever we had to do to have it. After hearing my truth she asked questions like “Do you know why you would date someone who had children after your decision to leave yours behind?” assisting me in assessing some of the reasons as to why I made some of the decisions in relationships that I had made. “Do you believe that you were trying to recreate the family you once had or the one you wanted to have?” I would need rest after some of our talks because I would be so tired from digging so deep for hours that I would immediately go to sleep after hanging up the phone. We’d do this for almost two years meanwhile I would pray that I offered her the same amount of attention, love, and support in her growth and evolution that she allowed me.  And, in conversation she would tell me that I did.
This relationship was a true compliment to me in every area of my life so much so that I grew in areas that I didn’t even know I needed to grow in and my businesses took off because of it.  We would talk through schisms that we would have which in the beginning was difficult for me to do.  I never realized my lack of maturity in relationships and how my communication skills lacked and had to ultimately be taken to another level. She was no nonsense about our relationship and was not allowing us to sweep things under the rug or skip over any issue. She taught me to deal with them as they came so they would not affect us down the road.  Everything that I thought I knew about relationships was challenged; my relationship with myself, with my children, and with my partner. I felt like I was in the military (in basic training), everything that I thought I knew about myself seemed to be old news and had to be discarded. I was being deprogrammed from outdated thinking, reduced to a blank canvas, and all the new information that was left offered a foundation in which to build upon.
We have no idea how much the Universe conspires to help us. The Creator always sends you what you are ready for but often we don’t even know what we’re ready for especially when it looks like work. I had been sending out an S.O.S. for years and finally my ship came in and I was ready to board. While it was right in front of me of course I couldn’t just walk on I had to clean up some stuff, I had to reduce the baggage in my life once again, and I had to understand where it was that I had been so that I would have a clear vision for where it was that I was going. You see, you can get on any ship any day and go any where but to be aligned with the right ship at the right time is at its best a miracle and I believe that the Creator had done that in my life, performed a miracle.