Healing From The Past


I heard it so clear ” You’re not going to be able to move forward and help others until you first are able to help yourself.”
The reason I host a transformational internet talk show is because I too am transforming. I am in a perpetual state of transformation and this dimension of transformation has been the most difficult. Even still, I believe that I have finally found that one piece (peace) that will take me to the other side. Finally.
I have three suns that are now grown men that I did not raise. Not in the traditional sense. During their childhood we spent every Christmas, New Years, and a couple weeks during the summer together every year for ten years. This part of my transitioning into the next dimension has been the most difficult because as I have been dealing with certain things in my life this part has been the most eye-opening, hurtful, shameful, and even guilt ridden.  Although my children and I each have great relationships, and they have never judged me for leaving them with their father or not being there 24/7 it is I who have dealt with life the most internally regarding this decision.  Their love for me have never waned and the older they get we seem to get closer.
Two years ago I made a decision to let go of a Nine year relationship because I felt I was not growing. I felt in some way stuck and not because my partner at the time made me feel that way but because I understood that we were going in different directions and the relationship itself was not growing. Leaving this relationship allowed me to spend quite a bit of time alone. Something I hadn’t done since 2005 after being run over by a car. This time alone afforded me the time to once again look at myself; up close and personal and do some inside work.
Eight months into my alone time and working on myself my youngest came to live with me to get himself together.  I felt like this was a second opportunity to get to know each other more and to deal with some things from our past so again, I was willing to do the work.  The fun quickly dissipated as this was a daunting task, more than I had imagined but too there were loving spaces for us to enjoy as well. But I  had to admit  that again,I found myself in a tough space trying to heal with someone who is now grown.  For  fourteen months we lived together trying to coexist in a world we both were new to at different points in our lives. This best thing was that neither of us held any resentment of the other even though we were getting on each others nerves at times and we loved each other more than we got on each others nerves. We were learning, growing, and letting go of parts of ourselves that were no longer needed or effective in order to have a more functional relationship. During the times we talked I would find myself learning just how much I had missed out of his and his brothers lives. I felt guilty at best even though he wasn’t telling me so that I could, he would just tell me stories of things that he had lived, and I myself saw what he had endured because I was not there.
My sun moved out recently and we are at a great place. Even though some of it was tough it was one of the best experiences that I’ve had. It was so necessary for the growth of us both and helped us to be able to move forward in our purpose.  Not long ago his father came to town for a funeral and of course he stopped by to see my son, and then they both came to see me.  My ex-husband and I have always remained friends over the years as divorced mothers and fathers should in order to co-parent children. We also check in with one another from time to time as well. We all sat in my living room laughing talking about all of my suns, their lives, and what we’ve experienced. As I sat, listened, and watched the two of them together I realized two things; one I had made the right decision to leave them with their father because of their relationship; but the second was a little heartbreaking as I came to an even further conclusion of how much I had really missed out on my boys lives.  That night I would be happy and sad at the same time.  When they left my heart was a little heavy. It wasn’t heavy because I thought that I should’ve stayed in the relationship with their father but because I felt that maybe I should’ve stayed closer to them so that I did not miss them growing up, football games, and many firsts.
I allowed myself to feel these emotions and think about what could’ve been if I had not moved to a different state and remained physically closer to my children. I cried a little at the things that I had missed, time that was lost, and then asked myself questions, waited for the answers and listened to myself as I spoke. I knew it was necessary for me not to run from the answers and the things that I had done but to gain an understanding of what has happened, why, and how to move on and heal from them.
I have since reconciled my feeling with regards to that night, and our past. I believe that things happen for many different reasons and we should not relive them over and over but to work through them so that we can have a better future.

InkMann Press Series- Movin’ On Up!


InkMann Press Series- Movin’ On Up!

“The destination isn’t necessarily determined by where you are, but more so what you’re doing while you’re there; and what your plan is to move forward.”

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We all have those moments when our minds are made ALL the way up, and we come to grips with the fact that we have to GO forward, work inward, and “move on up”. Sometimes after a burst of Inspiration we believe that we’re ready for a change or an upgrade so to speak. Often we believe we’ve mastered a thing and we feel that we can handle going to the next level or dimension.

Believing it’s time to move on we set our sights to do so. We step out on faith and begin to get our balance when we notice a shift. Just as we get our footing we’re challenged with something that we were sure that we had conquered. We thought ourselves skilled in that particular area, but we quickly realize that we’re not. We’ve got two choices and those choices define our character and everything else about us. What we do next is the most important move we’ll ever make.

The most important moves we make are affected by the chances we take and the decisions we make. You can either stay stuck or you can recognize that you still have work to do and seek to do it so that you get better. What you do at this point defines the movement you’ll make, if any. Every so often I have the opportunity to talk with a woman, who I believe is the wisest woman I know. I’m not just talking people that I personally know either. Anyway, I digress. We were talking about movement. She suggested that movement can also be linear and people not realize it. They are doing events, speaking engagements, but everything that they do is just like the last thing with no movement into another level or dimension. The reality is that they think ALL movement is consistent with growth and that cannot be farthest from the truth. When movement is linear, there is no real growth or success to be had, although they are doing everything to go higher, they’re not moving at all. You see, we can be in a particular geographical location working feverishly on our passions and not be able to move past the city limits. To be able to make the most impactful moves that will lead us outside of our normal borders we have to work from the inside out.

In life we are often challenged and given the chance to take full ownership of our lives and master ourselves. It’s not easy either. This step is not taken for the faint at heart. Deciding to go to a new dimension has to be more than just an idea. You have to be ready to execute on a level higher than you’ve ever been. Think of levels like escalators to Dimensions. The way you think on each level helps you to move to the next level. When moving to a dimension you have to take everything you’ve learned on each of those levels to take you into another atmosphere. Inability to think past your immediate surrounding will only yield linear movement and not dimensional movement. Dimensional movement does not imply a shift but a total transformation.

A lot of times we say that we’re ready to do the work but when it comes down to it, we allow ourselves to get distracted. Sometimes, we believe that it’s too much work so we procrastinate or never finish what we start. Saying you’re ready to do the work but not be willing to change will make your job that much harder. Not because you’re not ready but because you’re unwilling to change. When you want to be the best you that you can be, your actions have to match your words.

During the process we come across the work and sometimes seeing how much work it costs, we begin to faint. Sometimes it’s not the requirement of the work but the act of being responsible for the work. It’s different when someone else is responsible and we’re not held liable. Unconsciously some of us think that if we focus on everyone else it exonerates us from being ready. But when we step one leg at a time into our big girl and big boy pants we tap into the power that we have to move forward successfully. When we are willing to get our feelings hurt, die to ego, let our lights shine, and be ALL that we have ever wanted to be we surpass levels and move into dimensions.

Speaking of dimensions, I’ve heard Oprah say that nothing is ever wasted and as I look back over my life I realize that she is absolutely right. Oprah has moved into many levels and dimensions in her lifetime because she has used everything that she has ever learned.

I too have begun to use everything that I have ever learned without leaving any stones unturned. Even the things I thought were useless have been used in some way. When it was time to move closer to my dreams I added a coach to my life. My coach holds me accountable to do only those things that involve dimensional movement. I have to be honest and say, at first I didn’t enjoy the coaching experience because my ego was in the way. I had a problem with being told what to do when I had been doing it for forty-seven years. She even tap danced on my nerves a couple times, but it took me a minute to understand that she was trying to help me and not hurt me. Even still, it was me who said that I wanted to move dimensionally without full knowledge of what that meant. Full understanding teaches that Dimensional movement allows you to hear the truth, learn the lesson, and execute.

When I used the lessons that I learned I began to feel that I was accomplishing things even when the situation looked like I might not. I learned to see everything as a win because I gained knowledge. Now that I consistently and continually cultivate the lessons that I learn, I find it easier to move on up.

InkMann Press- Balance Rewards


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In 2011 I started a publishing company called Scriblical Vibez Publishing. When I wrote out the business plan for Scriblical Vibez nearly five years ago, my plan was to publish my own works; and to help others publish theirs as well. Since then I have grown as an individual, a business, and a brand. Currently I work to create the life I want by choosing to be an entrepreneur and there is nothing like its reward.

I made the conscious decision to step out on faith and dare myself to create my life from the inside out. I’ve come to learn that stepping out on faith is not just a one time event it’s actually something that you do continuously. Daily my goal is to bring into existence the life that I’ve envisioned. Since this decision I’ve worked diligently to master me, my thoughts, and my actions; all while managing my time. Having the optimal life means knowing which specific actions will create the best results and bring me closer to the vision.  I want to build a life that I could be proud of, filled with memories and priceless moments that would not only help in building my legacy but improving my quality of life.  Although the process has taken time and some parts of the journey have been difficult, my mind has been focused on getting the lesson. You learn that there is always something more at stake. We must understand the lesson for what it is and not see it as punishment. There is always more at work in the grand scheme of life. The lessons you learn today may be the tools used for tomorrow. When you understand that each lesson is a key to unlocking a door to another level or dimension in your life or business, that’s when you learn how to use the key. I chose to use my key to unlock the door to entrepreneurship.

Although owning a business can be a lot of responsibility and scary at times; I knew that I wanted to make that step. I realized that a lot of people want to do “big” things in the world but forget that the biggest impact you make is within yourself first. Knowing this inspired me to start an “inner movement” as I worked on getting my entrepreneurial endeavors off the ground, so that I could become the best at what I was good at. This “inner movement” to cultivate self-love and self-growth from within became another key to unlocking everything that I would do in my personal and professional life.

When I started SVP (Scriblical Vibez Publishing) I didn’t know what the future would hold but I knew that I wanted to grow beyond my wildest dreams. I wanted to follow the desires of my heart and be successful at it. Besides desiring to write books with themes of self-love and self- growth, I wanted to leave a legacy to my family. Leaving a legacy for my children’s children would mean that I would change the course of all of our lives. Our family legacy would be the model for everything done thereafter for any of us. I knew leaving something of this magnitude would mean that I would have to test my limits and the possibilities every chance I got.

Self love is important to every aspect of our lives; especially when owning a business. Having a healthy sense of love for yourself gives you the ability to maximize your impact thus helping you to be confident. If you believe in what you’re doing you have the ability to gain supporters, fans, clients, and customers.

Self-love and self-growth come at the experience of self awareness. Self awareness in business is a key factor because it allows you to know your limits, the things you enjoy doing, and the things you would rather someone else do. This was one thing I had to learn. When I first started my business I would take on everything as I have always been opened to learning but I soon realized that there were some things I shouldn’t be doing because it took up too much of my time. As I grew I became more aware of what those tasks were and stayed away from them or hired someone else to do them.

In business, self growth makes you work differently than others because you know that in order to see your company grow you have to grow. Self-growth opens the door to another tool, self reliance. Growing isn’t always easy but someone who practices self-love can motivate and encourage themselves during this process whether others are there to do it or not.  It’s not to say that we don’t need others just that we can depend upon ourselves because we love us enough to show up for everything in our life including business.

The beginning of SVP (Scriblical Vibez Publishing) meant something major was to come. On the way to major though, I learned that you must always be thankful for the things you’ve accomplished in between. This determines if you’ll receive more. Although thankful, I would sometimes forget during times when I wasn’t where I desired to be. From the beginning I thought that being open was enough, and I was right, it was. Being open to possibilities creates even more opportunities. Since starting SVP in 2011, I have started two other companies, but not before being a WeJay on an internet radio show.  If I had not been open to living, my life would not have completely changed its direction.  Every time it asks more of me I give it more. It’s not to say that I haven’t given more kicking and screaming but I was able to give life more because I wanted more of what life had to offer.

When you want more from life you understand that it is an opportunity that comes at the highest of rewards.  This means that the stakes are even higher and that you have to learn quicker. You must know who you are, what you stand for, and what you believe. In an effort to be real, the decision to give more and to have more does not come without sacrifice.

I myself have had to make sacrifices that have not stopped short of losing those treasured people and moments. Giving more sometimes means that you are required to spend a lot of time creating opportunities and strategies for you and your business and not be able to attend every event that’s going on. Sometimes that’s the sacrifice, but in order to have the best results in the end; sometimes we can’t have it all in the beginning. That is not just hope speaking either. With every step of the way I have gotten confirmation even when things seem to have not gone as planned. It was later discovered that was the plan.

In life as we work toward the next level or dimension we have to be willing to stretch and seek to apply the lessons we have learned. We must use those lessons to make ourselves, our company or our brand better. It is through self-love and self-growth that we are able to do so. It’s no longer just about financial gain but about creating a work life balance so that we are successful in every area of life.  What is money if you have no peace because you lack balance? Strengthening every area in our life is important; being a master of one area but not the others is not healthy.  It perpetuates and breeds imbalance and deficiencies. Deficiencies leave you open and susceptible to the climate rather than the climate being susceptible and open to you.

As we speak of balance, today I sit here with “The Smooth Jazz All Stars Radio” station on Pandora, a huge Mahogany Teakwood candle burning, and my laptop. I’m in my element and feel like all is right with the world. For me, this is one aspect of balance: spending time with me. The other aspects of balance are spending time with a significant other and family. Of course, work life is another area on the wheel of balance. I’ve learned to define what time and balance looks like for each area and to be consistent.  I used to spend more time working than I did in every other area which meant that as I was successful in business but I wasn’t able to fully deliver every time in my home life. Success to me now is being able to balance every area consistently.

Anytime that you are looking to master any of these qualities you must take a moment to access the situation.  This was something that I’ve learned to do over the years. Assessing your situation isn’t a one time thing; it’s something you’ll have to do often to determine if you’re on the right path. I noticed that as the journey deepened and the dream got more defined the more I needed to reflect upon my life. Upon reflection I would think about my ability to do more and would ask myself “What does more look like?”  I knew it was important to know what more looked like so I wouldn’t be surprised or caught off guard. In the past I have agreed to things before knowing what it entailed and have had a hard time manifesting them.

Today with self love and growth I utilize the tools that I have acquired in my arsenal to accomplish the more in my life. The reward has been personal and professional success.

@kaiology

Scriblical Vibez Publishing

http://scriblicalvibez.com/

Twitter: @scriblicalvibez

Eyeology INC 

http://www.eyeologyinc.com/

Twitter: @EyeologyINC