Healing From The Past


I heard it so clear ” You’re not going to be able to move forward and help others until you first are able to help yourself.”
The reason I host a transformational internet talk show is because I too am transforming. I am in a perpetual state of transformation and this dimension of transformation has been the most difficult. Even still, I believe that I have finally found that one piece (peace) that will take me to the other side. Finally.
I have three suns that are now grown men that I did not raise. Not in the traditional sense. During their childhood we spent every Christmas, New Years, and a couple weeks during the summer together every year for ten years. This part of my transitioning into the next dimension has been the most difficult because as I have been dealing with certain things in my life this part has been the most eye-opening, hurtful, shameful, and even guilt ridden.  Although my children and I each have great relationships, and they have never judged me for leaving them with their father or not being there 24/7 it is I who have dealt with life the most internally regarding this decision.  Their love for me have never waned and the older they get we seem to get closer.
Two years ago I made a decision to let go of a Nine year relationship because I felt I was not growing. I felt in some way stuck and not because my partner at the time made me feel that way but because I understood that we were going in different directions and the relationship itself was not growing. Leaving this relationship allowed me to spend quite a bit of time alone. Something I hadn’t done since 2005 after being run over by a car. This time alone afforded me the time to once again look at myself; up close and personal and do some inside work.
Eight months into my alone time and working on myself my youngest came to live with me to get himself together.  I felt like this was a second opportunity to get to know each other more and to deal with some things from our past so again, I was willing to do the work.  The fun quickly dissipated as this was a daunting task, more than I had imagined but too there were loving spaces for us to enjoy as well. But I  had to admit  that again,I found myself in a tough space trying to heal with someone who is now grown.  For  fourteen months we lived together trying to coexist in a world we both were new to at different points in our lives. This best thing was that neither of us held any resentment of the other even though we were getting on each others nerves at times and we loved each other more than we got on each others nerves. We were learning, growing, and letting go of parts of ourselves that were no longer needed or effective in order to have a more functional relationship. During the times we talked I would find myself learning just how much I had missed out of his and his brothers lives. I felt guilty at best even though he wasn’t telling me so that I could, he would just tell me stories of things that he had lived, and I myself saw what he had endured because I was not there.
My sun moved out recently and we are at a great place. Even though some of it was tough it was one of the best experiences that I’ve had. It was so necessary for the growth of us both and helped us to be able to move forward in our purpose.  Not long ago his father came to town for a funeral and of course he stopped by to see my son, and then they both came to see me.  My ex-husband and I have always remained friends over the years as divorced mothers and fathers should in order to co-parent children. We also check in with one another from time to time as well. We all sat in my living room laughing talking about all of my suns, their lives, and what we’ve experienced. As I sat, listened, and watched the two of them together I realized two things; one I had made the right decision to leave them with their father because of their relationship; but the second was a little heartbreaking as I came to an even further conclusion of how much I had really missed out on my boys lives.  That night I would be happy and sad at the same time.  When they left my heart was a little heavy. It wasn’t heavy because I thought that I should’ve stayed in the relationship with their father but because I felt that maybe I should’ve stayed closer to them so that I did not miss them growing up, football games, and many firsts.
I allowed myself to feel these emotions and think about what could’ve been if I had not moved to a different state and remained physically closer to my children. I cried a little at the things that I had missed, time that was lost, and then asked myself questions, waited for the answers and listened to myself as I spoke. I knew it was necessary for me not to run from the answers and the things that I had done but to gain an understanding of what has happened, why, and how to move on and heal from them.
I have since reconciled my feeling with regards to that night, and our past. I believe that things happen for many different reasons and we should not relive them over and over but to work through them so that we can have a better future.

Sub-Posts


When we think of legacy we begin to think with a conscious state of mind. We start to think in different terms of what we want our legacy to look and feel like. Some years ago I began to consciously post. I posted videos and written posts, some with flyers attached of the things I was learning, questions I wanted to see what others thought, and experiences that I have had. As a thinker and someone who wants to better themselves on every level I consciously break apart experiences that I have. My goal is to see where I went wrong, and what I can do better in the next experience. For most of us our legacy will live on in our children’s children and when my legacy asks “What was I like,? What was I thinking? What was I learning? And who was I trying to be?” I believe that I will have left a wealthy electronic footprint of answers through everything that I do. My experiences are not just for people to see. I’m leaving a legacy for my children’s children to follow.

You see, I am an adult that recognize that I have missed out on a lot of wisdom. Much of it that I’ve had to learn myself through my own experiences. I realized a long time ago that even though I wasn’t taught a lot of things it was still “my” responsibility to learn. So after careful thought I begin to consciously post those lessons from experiences because maturity allow us to see a lesson or experience from a different level or consciousness as we grow and evolve and I wanted to be mature enough to share what I learned.
So, when I am not around to give answers to questions that my children’s children may have questions to I pray that I have left with them most of everything that they’ll need to know to walk in wisdom and knowledge.

When I recently was told “You seem to sub-post a lot” no, I’m pretty conscious about everything that I post and the way that I post it. My strategy is to put out everything I learn as I learn it. It’s a reference for myself and for my legacy.

website: http://kai-mann.com
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InkMann Press Series–The Secret Place


InkMann Press Series — The Secret Place

PicsArt_11-23-08.43.31

 

There comes a time in our lives when the journey calls for complete transformation. This part of the journey is a root deepening and soul defying phase that often asks us to transform in unique ways. In the past we would allow ourselves to get away with behavior unbecoming but when life calls for something more many of us try to answer.

In life we are given a number of opportunities to go deeper within ‘self’ and become the person that we are ultimately destined to be. Sometimes in order to avoid ‘self’ we invite the most unlikely of people or situations into our lives. When we use people to distract us from ourselves we end up stunting our own growth. When this happens it throws us back to the beginning to start over at the same point we were in before we met that unlikely person or began that situation. Basically, because we didn’t take the time to separate ourselves and grow, we remain stagnant.

Sometimes the road to transformation comes because something happened to provoke change or we simply realize its time. Some of us grow through this phase by allowing ourselves time to heal. When we don’t allow healing to occur, we disrupt this phase and it puts us back at the beginning so to speak. Avoiding growth because ‘it’s too hard” is like self-development suicide. Many people never get through the transformational phase because they don’t stay long enough. They either feel they’re ready when they’re not or they think it’s too hard and quit. The transformational phase calls for a mirror so to speak to give us the opportunity of looking at ourselves to work on those under developed areas and bring out our most authentic nature. During this phase where we get to be with ourselves most people opt out because it’s soul work. Soul work requires that we look at ourselves in all areas no matter how tough it is to do so. It’s that vow that you make to yourself to keep going and staying the course because you believe in its reward.

When we do the work and master ourselves we become the hero in our own lives. And like most heroes there is a tale of heroic proportion about what the hero had to do to survive.

In the transformational phase there is this secret place so to speak.  The secret place is where the hero gets nourished, replenished, and energized in order to transform. The secret place offers different stages of each depending upon the level or dimension the hero is embarking upon. During this time the secret place is used as an incubation period. Or like the ‘pupa’ phase of a butterfly. During this phase the cocoon represents the nourishment, lessons, and growth. Although you’re alone working on your work, this phase is most crucial because any change in direction can alter the life of the butterfly.

It is evident that when we do not take the allotted time to learn, grow, and transform that we do not understand the importance of mastering oneself. Finding and mastering yourself before giving to and mastering another teaches you self love at a level that is profound and often unheard of. What I know is that to love and be better for you is to love and be better for others. What value is it to come into anyone’s life and disrupt it by coming in broken or lacking self-development? It profits them nothing more than heartache and pain. When we love others we want the best for them and if we are not the best we must choose to ‘be’ the best. But not before we become the best for ourselves.

When I think about the transformational period I liken it to the stage of preparation. In the midst of transformation is always preparation. This reminds me of Mr. Miyagi and how he prepared Daniel in the ‘Karate Kid’ before his big transformation.  Mr. Miyagi not only taught Daniel karate moves but Mr. Miyagi taught Daniel life lessons while working on his level of understanding. Mr. Miyagi gave Daniel the space to learn his “why” and the significance of it. The Creator does the same thing with us. He prepares us for transformation so that we can walk in our purpose with a full understanding as to ‘why’ we are being transformed. The Creator offers us the opportunity to slow down, to get the lessons, take notes, and grow so that our transformation is lasting and not fleeting.

The way to ensure lasting change is to stay in the moment of where you are. Take the time to get the lessons, write them down, and put them into practice daily. Know that every situation you encounter is a chance to learn something new. Always look for the lesson. When we allow ourselves the spiritual space, God teaches us how and when to move. How you handle the issues of life determine ‘if’ you’re learning or not. Trust me, there will be a test.

When  you’re learning there will always be a quiz and then a test at the end. How you fair is based upon how you studied. The determining factor whether or not you’ll move ahead depends on if you studied for a quiz or if you studied for a test.  The way you study for each is different. When we study for a quiz we learn with short term memory which makes it easy for us to not know the answer days after the quiz. But if you study for a test you study using long term memory because the question could be asked a number of ways and you must be fluent in them all. So again, the difference in the quiz and the test is that you may pass the quiz today but if you were asked the same information again tomorrow you could very well fail. Always study for the test because it defines the points in which you will move to another level or move into a new dimension. It is important not to die on the vine and quit during this phase. Don’t jump out of it, stay the course no matter how tough.

When we work to change the way we think, speak, and act; we summon the courage for mastery. And often mastery calls for us to be unplugged, to get with ‘self’, or be one with spirit in order to move into a new dimension. The way we master ourselves says a lot about who we are. Remember, it takes a hero to master himself.

Pass Go


I’m learning that you can only learn so much

by watching others

you have to

it’s a rite of passage

to earn some of your own

stripes

you can’t pass go

without it

Play At Your Own Risk


 

We had some good times

we were at middle and high school dances

making up dances

In the back yard learning how to do back walk-overs

and front walk-overs

Farting

And  laughing

growing up

and it was beautiful

Those were some good ass

times

I miss that

I seemed happier

and I wonder why

I wonder if that was the last time

that I was myself

I remember I used to dance

it was like a trance

we were one

wherever you saw one

you saw the other

Rhythms & Beats

Working together

at the same time.

Pen To Paper ~ A Walk Into Destiny Kai Mann © 2014   (coming October 2014)A Walk Into Destiny

I Love


CAM01206

I love

your hues of brown

some light

in some places

dark

in others

hues

melded together

making colors

never before seen

I love

your hands

always warm

Beautiful

but yet strong

your feet

although worn

are like stilts

taking you higher

Although pain

guides them with

each step

I love

your eyes

small

but they

see

father

than you could

ever imagine

that you

would go

I love

your mouth

not too big

yet not too small

lips

perched

ready to bless

with thoughts

given by

the Creator

I love

your mind

you see your faults

but are eager

to change them

into greatness

because you know

that learning is

better

than not

And that life

is about growing

and

getting better

I love

your stretch marks

they bear witness

to the life

that you gave

A constant reminder

that you

are the root

that gives

nourishment

to the tree

its branches

and leaves

It took awhile

to see you

but now

I do

and

I love you

for who you were

For who you are

for who you will become

I love me…