Don’t Get Sucked In


me, GROWING AND PROUD OF MYSELF.

This morning I sit and create with the thoughts that God gave me. I am reminded of two videos I started working on for a client late yesterday and how to top them off. And then, my thoughts go to a meeting that I have on Monday. At the end of this meeting we get to talk about what good thing happened to us since the last meeting. I contemplate how I have been privy to see people’s real intentions as of late. Although it’s been longer than 30 days this entire year so far has been about communication. Mainly mine. Preparation began for this during the third quarter of 2017 where the focus was on Self talk, Self-expression, how I communicate with others and respond to their actions. I’ve been privileged to see people for who they really are but the key hasn’t been about them but about me. What will I do with the information and how will I react. Knowing someone’s real intentions or feelings and not reacting with hate, malice, or judgement of their thoughts, actions, or intentions tells more about you than them. These past 30 days has been allowing this knowledge to turn into wisdom.

Late last year a private email of a co-worker was somehow sent to me. It was an email between herself and her fiancé about me “acting black”. I was hurt and felt a bit disturbed because I had not seen this coming. Was I distracted? How did I not know that she felt some kind of way about black people? She and I laugh together, finish each other’s songs and watch some of the same shows together that have mostly black characters. When I checked my email when I got in the office that morning, I remember sitting and reading it over and over. I originally thought that she meant to forward the email to someone else in the office, but I thought “no”, because that person has blacks in their family, so I don’t think that it was meant for them. When she came in the office I calmly waited for her to get situated after we said, “Good morning” and then I asked if she had anything that she wanted to tell me. She said “No.” I then forwarded her email back to her and asked her to check her email. She did and instead of speaking with me about it she immediately went to our boss. I felt slighted once again, like why couldn’t you and I just talk about this. Maybe she thought that I was going to fly off the handle. I didn’t. I was shook but I realized that I had been prepared for this the night before when speaking to a friend about something she was creating called “Just say it”.  My friend created a platform called “Just say it” where people can have a safe space to just say how they really feel. She felt that this was a way for us to begin to learn about how we really feel and about others and how they feel. She thought it was a way for all of us to heal and I agreed so which meant if I really felt that way this situation I found myself currently in would allow for me to react in a different manner and so, I did.

I’ve previously written about how people come up to me and just start telling me intimate stories of their lives and how I feel that it is part of my purpose here on earth to allow people to have a safe space to say things that they couldn’t otherwise say to someone else or maybe for them to release those things.  There too are people who just come up to me and say out of the way things as well to me about me that many people would just go off about and I don’t. I realize that when people come up to me that I am a light, a refuge of sort and that light will draw anyone who needs it even those who don’t know how to respond to it. It’s not about me it’s about them. So even when people come up to me who I don’t know and say something about what I’m wearing or even what I’m doing I’ve come to understand that it’s about them and not me so don’t get upset or angry in response.

When all my energy is not focused or directed in a specific place I am open to the energy fields of those around me. It’s a good thing at times because I can feel when someone needs something which could just mean that in that moment they feel afraid and just need for someone to stand with them. I feel that, and I stand with them without saying that I feel that they do. On the opposite of that I’ve been able to feel people’s negative intentions or feelings where I am concerned as well. It is normal when you can feel someone’s disdain, dislike, displeasure or ill-intentions towards you to want to be on the defense so that you can defend yourself, but I realize there is no need. The key is to remain in a space of love. People often get sucked in thinking that you must defend or shield yourself from someone else’s actions, but the key is to be able to hold a space of love in your heart even when you know the truth. Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about them but how you react is all about you. I believe you should love yourself enough to react differently so that you’re not disappointed later by your actions.

Anytime that we find out how someone truly feels about us we can focus all our energy on being prepared for their next move and how to one-up them or we can focus our energy on how we want to react. Our reactions say more about where we are in our lives. It says if we’ve mastered a level where we walk in reaction to others, being pulled in every direction or if we are strong enough to resist the urge of those low-level things and can now move to the next level. It’s who you’ve said that you wanted to be, it’s hard to be it but you can’t just say it and not mean it or work to be it.

Saying who you are and being that person takes two different types of energy. We strive to be that person who has mastered those things, so we say that we are but it’s almost like saying we are because it sounds good but with no real intent or action to do the work it takes to be it. We’ve heard others say it and it sounds good on them, so we feel we must say it too but don’t have a real concept of it, what it looks like or even why we should say it or even be it for that matter. If you’ve ever worked in a call center you know that you work from a script. Everyone is supposed to say the same thing. In a call center you can hear everyone’s conversation and occasionally, someone will deviate from the script and what they’ve said sounds good and you hear yourself say “That sounds good, I’m going to say that the next time too.” So, the next time you’re in that situation where those words fit you say them. You don’t know why other than it just sounds good so you said it.

I listen to teachings on YouTube while I work because I work a lot and don’t get to read often. Sometimes at work I’m so focused on what they’re saying in the YouTube video that I’m listening to that I don’t always hear what’s going on around me. It hasn’t always been because I don’t get to read often but also to be honest, mostly to retreat from what’s going on around me at the same time. For some time now, I’ve been allowing myself a little time to focus less on that and tuning in to some of the frequencies around me and I sometimes feel the negative intentions or feelings of others when they walk past. Sometimes it can be hard to feel their energy and not match it but again, I don’t want to be pulled into the madness of others, my goal is to maintain my own frequency even in chaos or ill-feelings or intent. Some days I win and others I don’t even if it is not said aloud, anytime when I allow my feelings to match theirs I’ve lost.

Little by little for the last month I’ve been packing to move. I’ve been working so much that I waited until the last minute to find a place. However, God saw fit to bless me to not be homeless and be able to move from one place to another seamlessly, so I thought. My new leasing office called me to say that my new apartment will not be ready on the 15th as planned, something came up and that it won’t be ready until the 19th. They said they would try to find another apartment and would let me know by the end of the day if they could. I didn’t get shaken I just said “This is going to be difficult as I have to be out of my current place on the 15th and would have to spend extra money to store my belongings and find a hotel to stay for the four days. At that time, they let me know that I should be able to stay at my current apartment for four extra days, so I called my current leasing office. When I called to ask the person that I usually speak with when I have problems she was not there. I asked to speak to her because not only is she the manager but when I’ve had to pay my rent late I’ve called and spoke with her. Her not being there was alignment working at its best. There was a gentleman who answered the phone who was new. After telling me the manager wasn’t in I told him what my situation was, and he told me that they basically had to let me stay it’s in my signed contract but that he would let the manager know what my issue was and have her to call me. Well, the new leasing office was not able to turn-around another apartment, so they called to let me know. The next morning, I called my current leasing office again and the person I wanted to speak with the day prior answered the phone. I asked her if she received my message, she said she had and that I was on her list to call back. She asked me if it was possible for them to have my apartment ready on the 15th and I told her no that they had an issue with the tub and had to send out for a new one and that it wouldn’t be ready until the 19th. I told her that I had nowhere else to go and that I needed to remain in my apartment until the 19th. She told me that was unfortunate as I was slated to move on the 15th and she had tenants moving in. The tone she used was one I had not heard before, so I told her that I was told because I had signed an agreement with your company that I would be allowed to stay the additional days. Not allowing her tone to affect mine. She then began to change her tone because I had a piece of information that she didn’t know that I had and said “Well, let me see what I can do. I’ll try to find another apartment for the tenants and I’ll let you know later today.” It’s funny how all this time I thought she was a fair person and I often gave her praises and thanked her for being such. Finding out that she would’ve pushed me out of my apartment taking advantage of my lack of information had I not known that because I signed an agreement with the leasing company that I could stay additional days made me feel some kind of way when I got off the phone with her. Later that day she called and left a voicemail message saying that “I could stay until the 19th but that they would need the keys by noon that day.” That was jarring for me to know that she would’ve put me out knowing that I had nowhere else to go because I didn’t know that I could’ve stayed. I thanked God for giving me insider information prior to speaking with her and then I asked myself “How will you handle this when you see her?” Remember, this says more about her than it does me but how I choose to handle this now says more about me than it does her.

The moral to these stories is that I’m really beginning to understand self-love on another level. Loving myself means that I chose to be a better person as the opportunity presents. That I chose to communicate on a higher frequency. That even with new information I can still choose to live in peace. In peace with myself, my actions, and my responses. That I can choose my energy and what I will focus on. That I have the power to love myself in such a way that I don’t need to disappoint myself and over react to situations to prove that love. That every time that I do, it makes me stronger and more powerful.

 

me, I AM GROWING AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF.

 

 

 

Kai-ology….The study of Kai

 

The People Closets to You


I love that you

can change

people’s minds

you can give them

something else

Another way to

see

things

Because they want

to

because they know

there’s

something more

so they

wanna

know

about it

It’s funny how

the people

closets

to you

sometimes

don’t see it

I wonder why

they don’t

like its

their job

to keep

you at

a

 certain place

like they don’t

believe

your hype

like they

see you

but they ain’t

impressed

like

they compel you

to want to

do

something more

just to

show

them

Life Wasn’t Made For Repeat


DSCN1918

 

It’s important to be

To be honest on both occassions

The point is to be authentic

no matter what

I don’t know yet if anyone else

Really appreciates it

or if I appreciate it more

No matter what

I want to be honest

Sometimes I am more honest

than I really meant to be

But sometimes I don’t feel like messing around

It doesn’t take all of that

You find out quicker

Where you stand

You don’t have to drag it out

And I don’t have to drag it out

I just want to get

Get to the good part

I just want to spend

This part better

It doesn’t have to be perfect

But just better

Life wasn’t made for repeat

It’s made to enjoy

But we put all these formalities

in the way

Instead of you being you

And me being me

I don’t know about you but

I think that’s better.

Even when you look for a job

The employer asks you a few questions

To see if

If the two of you will fit

They aren’t looking for a short term relationship

Are we going to both

Both be able to get the job done

Can we open each other’s souls up

So much

that

that we feel each other

From the inside

Our souls are draw to each other

Like Magnets

Magnets about to touch

Life will come to do what it’s supposed to do


PhotoXpress: Sergey Galushko
PhotoXpress: Sergey Galushko

Today started out like any other day, until I did my normal routine of checking for reviews on my first novel.  It would happen at the very moment that my second novel is to come out that I would receive a very negative review. I had to laugh at myself because my first reaction was “Huh?” I thought maybe the reviewer had placed the wrong review on my book’s page.  Shocked by the review, I realized that it was real.  I sent the link to the three people who mattered most with regards to my book; my editor, my #1 fan, and my partner.  I decided in that moment that I was going to be okay and that this is something to be expected because everyone is not going to like everything. I had a good laugh about it and then asked myself “What are you going to do about it?” I told myself that I would press on and let it roll down my back just enough to keep me in check; to keep me motivated, to work harder, and to do better.

For the past two years, the Creator has been toughening my spirit so to speak. He has been preparing me for the trials that are going to come because I know that there will be many. He has been putting down in my spirit all of the necessary tools I’ll need to do my job. He has also been faithful to place the right people in my midst to help me to continue on. You see, I believe in my heart that I have a purpose as a messenger and I cannot let anything get in the way of doing that. There are going to be times that people may not agree with what I am doing or what I have to say but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I say it.

One of the toughest things in life is to do what you believe that you are called to do in the face of opposition.  But the key is to not question yourself, but to move forward. There will be many obstacles but I know that I must remain calm, and know that life is coming to do exactly what it is supposed to do; challenge me.