2017 A Year Of Reconciliation


When it is time to be alone everyone you know will disappear. Not in the definition of vanishing and that you are unsure of where they are, or that you yourself didn’t have something to do with their disappearance but it will happen because it is time.  When it is time for you to take in account for the life that you have created you must reconcile the balances of deposits and withdrawals you have taken or given. There is a Divine space of Contemplation of what is, what was, and how it all has affected you, and the people who have walked in the same spaces with you. 2017 has been that year for me, a year of reconciliation. A year to reconcile or balance the accounts and transactions that I have made throughout the years.

The first step was reconciling the discrepancies and over 49 years there have been many. You see, when you reconcile a discrepancy it begins with the date a transaction was done. This relates to the stories we have told ourselves since the transactions, to account for and balance them. We may have reconciled it since that date with ourselves but if there was anyone else involved it must also be reconciled with them as well. When this happens the story usually changes because listening you now hear it from their perspective and can garner a full picture. This picture usually changes from what your limited vision has been to seeing a picture in its entirety. A 360 view. Now, seeing everything, you must come to grips with what you will do with the picture you now see.

As 2017 progressed I’ve been going over my life piece by piece. Dealing with one thing at a time; myself, my children, my family, my relationships, and friendships. What I feel as each part of my life has been called to be reconciled I’ve learned that I’ve walked in a space of what borders on selfishness and abandonment depending on the side of the road that I am walking and on what day. No matter the time or day, it is surely the time to be reconciled with all my past actions. The scales of life are now balanced, and the time of judgement is now due. This judgement I exact upon myself as the consequences of life bears down on me.  It bears down not in a fit of angry rage but of truth, and genuine conversations and thought. No malice or ill-will intended, the bearing down comes from wanting to feel lighter as I move into this next phase of life and try to understand the breadth of what is weighing me down. And without hesitation or apprehension I resist not the bearing down as I have demanded of my higher self to know and understand more, and this bearing down comes as a result of what has transpired.

The time has come for me to see with full vision how the other half has lived. While being in a state of what was deemed as “Saving myself” so that I could still be here to enjoy life with each of my pieces I believe that I detoured which left some to fend for themselves. As each piece would come to full view there became an overwhelming state of shame and guilt as I could see some of the devastation that was left behind. Although normal to feel guilt and shame, I knew too that in order to move forward it too was okay to let those feelings go, but not before apologizing for the past hurt, or what could have felt like betrayal, or disloyalty on my part.

It’s tough to stand at full attention, dropping ego to the floor, and at times your own feelings so that you can hold on to the weight of their feelings, and emotions while hearing their and your story from the place where they stood. What felt like unconditional love to me was that there has never been any judgement of me, to me, from their lips. Just stories of what happened on their journeys. They never held me in contempt or condemnation, never yelled, or spoke in a condescending tone: They just told me the story. I thank God for that because I didn’t want to be made to feel worse by them or by me for that matter. Sometimes when we make it about us we demand that they make us feel guilty, or more guilt so that we can bear the weight of what happened. There is little time nor energy for that. We have all been through something but the realization of it all is to continue to learn from, grow, and evolve those stories to make new and better ones. I cannot thank them enough for their handling of me in my mishandling of them.

As I continue to allow myself to be opened however it comes, I don’t feel gutted, but I can speak with honesty and saying that sometimes as I see me at some stages of life, I don’t like me.  I don’t like the me that left in the manner in which I did. I don’t like the me that detoured from the spontaneity of life and checked out on the people that mattered. I know that I didn’t do it on purpose, and I know that I did it with limited knowledge, sight, and vision but I do wish that I had done it differently. But even so, when I think about that statement I know that if I had, I wouldn’t be the same person that I am now, having the same experiences that I am now and who’s to say that they would’ve been better or worse. This is life. The one that I chose, and I believe that I have the capacity to live it and that is what I am going to do. So, I continue to allow self to be opened, taught, displayed, grown, evolved, and ultimately transfigured because one thing that I am sure of is that this ‘is’ what I put here to do.

 

 

 

 

InkMann Press Series ~ The Weekend


PicsArt_11-23-08.43.31Today I was going over my weekend in my head and I wasn’t certain how it had gone.  After thinking about the plans that I had set for the weekend, I realized that I had done everything I set out to do. Although everything went as planned it was my mulling over my intentions that made me feel like something was missing. In reflecting over the events of the weekend I came across some weak spots; the kind of weak spots where you know for certain that you could’ve done better.  My instant response was  for me to be disappointed for a moment but I knew I couldn’t stay and needed to change my thinking so I told myself that I had to do better the next time.

I truly feel proud as I realized that I could change the tone of my life by changing the conversation that I have with myself. And I am excited to know that with small changes you can have big victories and in turn get everything in life that you are working hard for. I often times have to remind myself like many I have a ways to go but it’s not as far as I think. And I know for sure that it’s the staying the course that will help you grow.

I must be transparent and admit that I have schisms at times, but who doesn’t. I’ve seen those schisms appear when the Universe has granted me the things I’ve stated that I wanted most, as well as what I convinced myself that I could handle.  I think the problem was that I wasn’t fully aware of all the necessary things that I’d have to do to get it, keep it, and maintain it.

I’ve always said that I wanted to be in a space where I’m able to grow and reach my fullest potential. But I never counted on having to be taught, chastised, or challenged. It’s through this entire growing process that I’ve learned how to put my ego in check and put things into perspective, and lead with wisdom.

I recognize my own human frailties and realize that if you have a vision for yourself allowing ego to rise up and stay will get you nowhere and keep you stuck right where you are.

You ever have someone try to talk to you about you but you’ve been doing you for so long that your schisms have become habits? You don’t even know that you have these schismatic habits until someone pulls your coat tail and you’re face to face with yourself. It’s those times that you’re forced to really look at you, and all that you do.

When you’re walking in ego and your habits are called into question your feelings get hurt and you feel like your toes have gotten stepped on. Usually one of two things will happen; you’ll either go off on the person that you feel stepped on your toes and act like they’re wrong for doing so. Or you’ll let it burn for about 3 seconds, swallow, and then take a look at what they’re saying from a different angle. The key is to always go outside of yourself to feel what they see. Their response to you might have something to do with what ‘you’ do and how ‘you’ do it. I had to admit that when others tell you about you it doesn’t always feel good. But in fact that is what is needed some times. Now the question is; what will you do? Hopefully the answer is that you’ll tell the ego to go sit down somewhere, take the information as it is given, find out where the issue comes from, release it, and change the behavior?  If you don’t, ego will leave you in places you didn’t want to be. Places you look up from many years later to see past opportunities not taken. When we know better we should do better.

All of that is what I got from my weekend when I recognized some of the weak spots that had taken place and why they had taken place. You’re probably wondering why I was going over my weekend looking for weak spots in the first place.  I vowed about eight months ago that I wouldn’t do anything else half way again. No matter where I am in life I want to always strive to better myself in every area.  The truth is I have a new found respect for self improvement and doing the work that makes the work the best work that can ever be done.

 

 

InkMann Press Series –Letting Go Of Ego


Sometimes the challenge is to put ego aside; especially when you’re coming to know what ego really is. Old patterns and habits are hardest to break.

PicsArt_11-23-08.43.31

There are times that we need someone to bounce ideas off of and for many of us that someone is our partner or closest friend. When we’re looking to share we usually go to someone who has insight into the things that we would like to accomplish. Often we have the problem of  sharing at first because those are our most intimate thoughts about our hopes and dreams.  As I thought about this  I realized that I had to put down my ego if I wanted to learn and grow. I had to be able to hear the truth about my ideas, hopes, dreams, and whatever else I was trying to do. I don’t know if it’s because we think that we are submitting our best, or what. I am not yet certain that when the time comes for our partner or friend to challenge us to dig deeper  why we sort of feel threatened a bit.  Like we’ve been attacked.

It isn’t until we can understand that the person we’ve entrusted our most intimate thoughts with, would not hurt us. That the only answer has to be that they’re pushing us to do better. They are pushing us to do better because they see our potential. So. I’ve decided to do things a bit different because I believe that the person that I’ve chosen to be on my team, wants me to win. Why else would they be pushing me to do more and to be more.

I Wonder How She’s Doing


I hope that all is well

with you

I pray

that life is going to

take you

on the best

journey ever

I think about you

from time to time

and I say

“I wonder how she’s doing”

with a smile on my face

no matter what

I’ve always

think of them

with smiles

and good wishes

It doesn’t do me

any good

 to wish anything else

Why?

Ego would do that

making me think

that I was the best person for them