Somewhere Between Death & Rebirth


Sometimes when I sit to write the words seem to escape me. I’m in this space of learning and growing and I feel like I can’t find the words to speak with the highest regards and honor for this space but here goes…

It has been said that you are the greatest project that you will ever get to work on. That is so true. I used to hear others talk about doing ‘your work’ and I don’t think I truly knew what that meant for me. I wasn’t sure what work I had to do but mostly I was afraid that I didn’t have the time to do it. Somewhere in 2013 I remember thinking to myself “I am too happy. Something is getting ready to change.” I didn’t mean it in a negative way but in a way of knowing that the principle of rhythm will soon be at work without really knowing that principle in the sense that I do now. I think what I love most about us as energy, souls or spirits is that there is always this higher self at work. This subconscious nature we have that knows more than the surface of who we are often guides us into the next state of being without force.

I thank God, the Creator, Source, ‘The ALL” whatever it is that you want to call it but I am most grateful that I have come to be in the mind of it allowing me this time and space on this plane. As I come into more knowledge of who I am and beginning to understand my work. I understand it to be undoing all that has been done up until this point. Experiences that left residual feelings of pain, shame, expectations, negativity, and the like. Originally done by my parents trying to raise me the best they knew how. My extended family adding their learned behaviors and experiences, as well as the friends and others that played extras in “The Life of Kai”. Most of the residuals after a certain age where left by my own hands. Trying to make sense of a world that I believe most people don’t understand anyway. Many themselves are trying to figure things out and we end up using them as sounding boards, examples and what have you.

I have come to be at the place where birth and death meet. A space in between where the ashes are beginning to form but I am long away from the Phoenix rising up out of the ashes. This place is where the work began a while ago and now seeing the effects that the work has on you. It is seeping into the places where voids stood. Not realizing that there were so many voids. Voids I have been writing about these last three years but I’m now contemplating how I have walked with some defects for quite some time. If you know anything about defects you know that you learn to use other members of your body in place of those defects to make up for the deficits. It usually means that at times you end up over compensating for a few things. Boy, did I over compensate for a few things.

I’m laughing right now inside of myself because I know that I’m about to share some things that people outside of my circle don’t know but the funny part is that most people would ask “Why is she telling her personal business?” Well, it’s not for those who ask that question but for those who would read it and say “I can relate.”

For years I used to go around helping people. So much so that I would put myself in a space of lack. I’d buy diapers, clothes, and such for other people’s babies and later would have to file bankruptcy on the card that I used to purchase their children’s things. Well, let me start at the beginning. I grew up without a concept of money. You see, the age difference between my sister and brother are twelve and thirteen years so when it got to me I kind of missed out on some of the teachings because my mother was kind of tired. No fault of her own, she did what she could. I had three other aunts and from the time I can remember, somewhere around age eight or nine every Christmas my cousins and I would walk around with hundreds of dollars in our pockets. Every year I’d lose mine until my cousin who is two years older than I got smart and decided to start holding it for me because she was tired of sharing her money with me. (I was the baby girl of my family’s generation.) So, I don’t know if I would say that my cousin and I were spoiled. I would say that our family loved and supported each other something that we have been missing since their generation.

Anyway, back to the story. Money had kind of plagued me since that time. Always receiving money and never being able to keep it. I don’t think I understood about money. I just knew that you’d get more of it probably because they (my family) would replace it in some way. Well, when I began to look back over my life when I chose to “do my work” I realized that I had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. I’d lose it and then later that year or so, I would have the opportunity to gain it back. I had been in places where I was living paycheck to paycheck and my credit score had never gone any higher than 585. I couldn’t understand what the deal was, yet I never thought to do anything about it.

Well, one day I told myself I could not go on like this. This had to end because I was getting way too old for this to be happening and I didn’t want to walk into my destiny this way. So, I began to make changes. Last year I had to purchase a new car and because I am working on my work I had to be honest with myself and get what I could afford which was a 2014 Toyota Corolla. I would love to tell you that some of those childish feelings one would feel didn’t come up for me when I pulled up to my apartment after purchasing it. Not only did I get a Toyota Corolla, I got a red one. I have never owned a “Red” anything in my life and I hadn’t driven a car since 2005. The reason I ended up getting a new car was because my 2007 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition was about to be paid off and the last eighteen months that I had it everything that could go wrong on it did go wrong. So, going from a Truck to the smallest car ever was a bit of a struggle mentally for about 24 hours when I realized that it was new, it was mine, and it could’ve been so much worse. I had to become grateful for this car that had nothing wrong with it rather than worrying about how I would look in it when I pulled up anywhere and got out of it. I had to be grateful because I knew that I had a way to work, business meetings, and anywhere else I needed to go.

The next thing in doing my work was getting out of the financial hole I had dug myself in trying to pay vendors, pay bills, start businesses, buy equipment and make ends meet. I decided to get another job. By my calculations it would take me about 6 months to pay off a few things, and to put a healthy cushion between me and having no money. And if I did it for a year I’d have a nice little nest egg. So, I did it. I won’t tell you that I don’t want to quit. That I’d rather be doing something else because of course I would, but it is important to me that I create the life that I want and the only way to do it is to do ‘the work’.

You see, the hardest thing to do is to change behavior especially when you’ve been doing it for years. But when you decide to do your work you create lasting change and place yourself in a better situation not just for you but for everyone in your midst.

“Learn How To Take Your Finances & Life To The Next Level.”

The Live Richer Academy

The Budgetnista

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Letting Go- Self Awareness


What if you were the person someone had to let go of in order to move into their destiny? Sometimes when our friends, family, partners, significant others, coworkers, business colleagues, etc. let us go we get upset not realizing sometimes we are the reason for the departure. Often we don’t bring anything to the table, or we distract or hinder, or always point out flaws without any encouragement and when our counterparts let us go we don’t understand why. Sometimes we have to be courageous enough to look at ourselves to see what rolls we play in early dismissals from a friendship or relationship. Becoming self aware allows us not only to know who we are but also what we are not. #selfawareness

What Really Matters?


American Joe Louis Fist

 

 

Black lives matter
All lives matter
LGBTQ lives matter
Brown lives matter
White lives matter

In this world where a Utopian society ceases to be
We don’t understand the world we inevitably see
The death toll of humanity would alarmingly sound
Where the bodies of the latest martyrs of incitement are found
Born into a war we were destined to fight
Where the color of skin would be the predetermined slight
Is hate the opposite where there is no choice
Or does opinion have the loudest voice
directional challenges aimed at those on the same team
purposed to divide and conquer…the age old theme
Slanderous words of ignorance formed from rage and hate
deriving from the unknown corners of mouths ready to prate
Attacks made on those whose processes are slow and silent
trying to comprehend the Universe filled with violence
trading accusations hurled with useless rhetoric
when a solution takes thought for today’s betterment
Wars and rumors of wars will always transpire
Where will today’s sacrificial lamb have a place to retire
Will it be in the streets lined with blood instead of trees
Or in a nightclub under a table shaking on your knees
Purposed to die from the time of inception
From your destiny there is no protection
In other words some of us were born to die
For a cause we were originated to buy
with the cost of our lives we were never asked
It is our slate to be our one and only task
Give up the Ghost for a chance to save humanity
If we had known our assignment would we have plead insanity
How much of a life does it really matter
When we walk among one another daily and spew hateful chatter
Until one of us dies and we forge a counterfeit alliance
Withholding our indifference and trading it in for compliance
because after the battle has been long and forgotten
We return to our state of backbiting and plottin’
Or will this all matter in the end
And a perpetual allegiance to humanity will ultimately begin
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