Somewhere Between Death & Rebirth


Sometimes when I sit to write the words seem to escape me. I’m in this space of learning and growing and I feel like I can’t find the words to speak with the highest regards and honor for this space but here goes…

It has been said that you are the greatest project that you will ever get to work on. That is so true. I used to hear others talk about doing ‘your work’ and I don’t think I truly knew what that meant for me. I wasn’t sure what work I had to do but mostly I was afraid that I didn’t have the time to do it. Somewhere in 2013 I remember thinking to myself “I am too happy. Something is getting ready to change.” I didn’t mean it in a negative way but in a way of knowing that the principle of rhythm will soon be at work without really knowing that principle in the sense that I do now. I think what I love most about us as energy, souls or spirits is that there is always this higher self at work. This subconscious nature we have that knows more than the surface of who we are often guides us into the next state of being without force.

I thank God, the Creator, Source, ‘The ALL” whatever it is that you want to call it but I am most grateful that I have come to be in the mind of it allowing me this time and space on this plane. As I come into more knowledge of who I am and beginning to understand my work. I understand it to be undoing all that has been done up until this point. Experiences that left residual feelings of pain, shame, expectations, negativity, and the like. Originally done by my parents trying to raise me the best they knew how. My extended family adding their learned behaviors and experiences, as well as the friends and others that played extras in “The Life of Kai”. Most of the residuals after a certain age where left by my own hands. Trying to make sense of a world that I believe most people don’t understand anyway. Many themselves are trying to figure things out and we end up using them as sounding boards, examples and what have you.

I have come to be at the place where birth and death meet. A space in between where the ashes are beginning to form but I am long away from the Phoenix rising up out of the ashes. This place is where the work began a while ago and now seeing the effects that the work has on you. It is seeping into the places where voids stood. Not realizing that there were so many voids. Voids I have been writing about these last three years but I’m now contemplating how I have walked with some defects for quite some time. If you know anything about defects you know that you learn to use other members of your body in place of those defects to make up for the deficits. It usually means that at times you end up over compensating for a few things. Boy, did I over compensate for a few things.

I’m laughing right now inside of myself because I know that I’m about to share some things that people outside of my circle don’t know but the funny part is that most people would ask “Why is she telling her personal business?” Well, it’s not for those who ask that question but for those who would read it and say “I can relate.”

For years I used to go around helping people. So much so that I would put myself in a space of lack. I’d buy diapers, clothes, and such for other people’s babies and later would have to file bankruptcy on the card that I used to purchase their children’s things. Well, let me start at the beginning. I grew up without a concept of money. You see, the age difference between my sister and brother are twelve and thirteen years so when it got to me I kind of missed out on some of the teachings because my mother was kind of tired. No fault of her own, she did what she could. I had three other aunts and from the time I can remember, somewhere around age eight or nine every Christmas my cousins and I would walk around with hundreds of dollars in our pockets. Every year I’d lose mine until my cousin who is two years older than I got smart and decided to start holding it for me because she was tired of sharing her money with me. (I was the baby girl of my family’s generation.) So, I don’t know if I would say that my cousin and I were spoiled. I would say that our family loved and supported each other something that we have been missing since their generation.

Anyway, back to the story. Money had kind of plagued me since that time. Always receiving money and never being able to keep it. I don’t think I understood about money. I just knew that you’d get more of it probably because they (my family) would replace it in some way. Well, when I began to look back over my life when I chose to “do my work” I realized that I had always had an unhealthy relationship with money. I’d lose it and then later that year or so, I would have the opportunity to gain it back. I had been in places where I was living paycheck to paycheck and my credit score had never gone any higher than 585. I couldn’t understand what the deal was, yet I never thought to do anything about it.

Well, one day I told myself I could not go on like this. This had to end because I was getting way too old for this to be happening and I didn’t want to walk into my destiny this way. So, I began to make changes. Last year I had to purchase a new car and because I am working on my work I had to be honest with myself and get what I could afford which was a 2014 Toyota Corolla. I would love to tell you that some of those childish feelings one would feel didn’t come up for me when I pulled up to my apartment after purchasing it. Not only did I get a Toyota Corolla, I got a red one. I have never owned a “Red” anything in my life and I hadn’t driven a car since 2005. The reason I ended up getting a new car was because my 2007 Ford Explorer Eddie Bauer Edition was about to be paid off and the last eighteen months that I had it everything that could go wrong on it did go wrong. So, going from a Truck to the smallest car ever was a bit of a struggle mentally for about 24 hours when I realized that it was new, it was mine, and it could’ve been so much worse. I had to become grateful for this car that had nothing wrong with it rather than worrying about how I would look in it when I pulled up anywhere and got out of it. I had to be grateful because I knew that I had a way to work, business meetings, and anywhere else I needed to go.

The next thing in doing my work was getting out of the financial hole I had dug myself in trying to pay vendors, pay bills, start businesses, buy equipment and make ends meet. I decided to get another job. By my calculations it would take me about 6 months to pay off a few things, and to put a healthy cushion between me and having no money. And if I did it for a year I’d have a nice little nest egg. So, I did it. I won’t tell you that I don’t want to quit. That I’d rather be doing something else because of course I would, but it is important to me that I create the life that I want and the only way to do it is to do ‘the work’.

You see, the hardest thing to do is to change behavior especially when you’ve been doing it for years. But when you decide to do your work you create lasting change and place yourself in a better situation not just for you but for everyone in your midst.

“Learn How To Take Your Finances & Life To The Next Level.”

The Live Richer Academy

The Budgetnista

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Get Lost


I’ve often found it hard to fathom when people say “Ain’t nothing changed.” I wonder why they take pride in that.  And if nothing’s changed wouldn’t that be apparent and no need to speak on it. So, obviously something has changed but in order to not be different we are encouraged to stay the same. Something about feeling different from the pack will make some denounce that change however good it is. As I’ve been made cognizant of the many lives that I’ve lived, the many breathes I’ve been able to take, and the many dimensions, stages and levels of those dimensions I feel blessed to have changed. You see, I believe that as the outside changes the inside is what should change the most.

Walking through life in the thick of it sometimes we don’t see that change. But when we slow down and go to the observatory of our lives we can see that change in retrospection. An observation of life through the height and depth of it all can be an exhaustive feat but nevertheless, as we begin to explore we find that the valleys can be low, dragging self-esteem with it. And the mountains so high that the intensity to pull one’s self out of the valley hard.

Somewhere in this we begin to feel lost and unsure of who we are.  The way gives the appearance that we are walking aimlessly throughout specific paths of the journey. But, if we are to ponder our explorations we can see that there is such a blessing in getting lost a few times.  Even in the act of surviving the most traumatic issues along the way we can get lost in the experience of it all, yet even still a blessing can be seen if we look. I believe that although we may feel lost from time to time, we aren’t. I know for a fact that the Creator knows exactly where we are, and we can be confident in where we are growing in those times.

The reward to being lost is when you can see the beauty in finding ‘self’. The strength to move forward while encouraging one’s self through it all gives way to new paths to be seen. When we can envision it correctly we can discover the entrance into the very heart of who we are at that moment. The encouragement that we give to ourselves to look even deeper within allows us to find the strength of all that we possess.

A level of courage is needed when we attempt to find ourselves. Courage to be authentic and honest with one’s self. The type of courage that when used will be the only key that will open doors to other dimensions within you. Daring to discover new lands within yourself enables change to be seen when eyes are wide open, and mirrors held at eye level. It gives you the ability to count the many blessings of living long enough to have been able to see yourself change a number of times.

Lost, is just an illusion when we are unsure of the way. It is a place called ‘change’ that makes us be afraid and makes us believe that we are lost. It’s something about the scenery changing that creates anxiety. However, it is our inner world only that is changing, because our subconscious begins to walk us through uncharted paths that we’ve never journeyed before. It is that our inner most selves have called upon the depths of who we are to take control without our full knowledge of it.  That part of us that has been consistently preparing us for what’s next all of our lives. We are only now realizing that our inner most self is leading us to reach for something more because it is time. No matter who is with us or not, when we understand this we come to love that deeper level of self because it makes us dare to look for more.  It calls us to awaken to life. It calls us to go higher, to go toward the mountain top. Heed the call and to take the scenic view. Ascension is simply breathtaking as you reach for your zenith.

 

 

If you have enjoyed reading this blog post, please share it with your friends and family. Also, I would be honored if you would subscribe so that every time I publish a blog post you’ll receive a notification. I am much grateful to you for your time and energy reading what I have to say, thank you. We are in this life together, feel free to leave a comment below.

Healing From The Past -Part 2


Dealing and Healing
They say that in order to heal you first have to deal so I took a look at the cards I had dealt myself over the past 20 years and honestly, I saw some things that I didn’t like. Although this began 20 years ago I still had to look at those experiences because they were effecting my now and the infinite possibilities of my future.  The best part about this is that even though I had lots of time alone, I wasn’t really alone. On the road to dealing there was a beautiful spirit that was by my side to help me navigate the terrain I was embarking upon. And without judgment she offered me a beautiful space to rest from my weary travels and to unpack all the bags I had been carrying. This has been the most candid that I have been with myself and with someone else. From the beginning she and I would vow to do something different in the relationship that we hadn’t done in others which was to be honest, and to tell each other everything. So we did, and when I did she would go in deep asking tough questions that at times I wasn’t even sure I had answers to.  Patiently she would wait while I went back to that time to enlist thoughts I might’ve been thinking bringing out some truths that were difficult to chew on let alone swallow.  However, she offered me bite sizes while providing me with love and support and encouraging me when I needed it most. When she or I were sharing our truths the thought of the one leaving the other because of it never crossed our minds. We knew what we wanted to build and we knew that it would take everything we had and neither of us was willing to settle for anything less than our best and we would do whatever we had to do to have it. After hearing my truth she asked questions like “Do you know why you would date someone who had children after your decision to leave yours behind?” assisting me in assessing some of the reasons as to why I made some of the decisions in relationships that I had made. “Do you believe that you were trying to recreate the family you once had or the one you wanted to have?” I would need rest after some of our talks because I would be so tired from digging so deep for hours that I would immediately go to sleep after hanging up the phone. We’d do this for almost two years meanwhile I would pray that I offered her the same amount of attention, love, and support in her growth and evolution that she allowed me.  And, in conversation she would tell me that I did.
This relationship was a true compliment to me in every area of my life so much so that I grew in areas that I didn’t even know I needed to grow in and my businesses took off because of it.  We would talk through schisms that we would have which in the beginning was difficult for me to do.  I never realized my lack of maturity in relationships and how my communication skills lacked and had to ultimately be taken to another level. She was no nonsense about our relationship and was not allowing us to sweep things under the rug or skip over any issue. She taught me to deal with them as they came so they would not affect us down the road.  Everything that I thought I knew about relationships was challenged; my relationship with myself, with my children, and with my partner. I felt like I was in the military (in basic training), everything that I thought I knew about myself seemed to be old news and had to be discarded. I was being deprogrammed from outdated thinking, reduced to a blank canvas, and all the new information that was left offered a foundation in which to build upon.
We have no idea how much the Universe conspires to help us. The Creator always sends you what you are ready for but often we don’t even know what we’re ready for especially when it looks like work. I had been sending out an S.O.S. for years and finally my ship came in and I was ready to board. While it was right in front of me of course I couldn’t just walk on I had to clean up some stuff, I had to reduce the baggage in my life once again, and I had to understand where it was that I had been so that I would have a clear vision for where it was that I was going. You see, you can get on any ship any day and go any where but to be aligned with the right ship at the right time is at its best a miracle and I believe that the Creator had done that in my life, performed a miracle.

Struggle


work

In the past because I am an organizer by Nature and like to keep things orderly and professional I used to have issues when things seemed to be in disarray. To help me get through this issue because the world is not orderly, organized or professional all the time the Creator saw fit to introduce me to one of my biggest challenges.

I worked for a radio station for over a year-and-a-half. We were starting something unique, something that was not going to be done on the scale that we were going to do it. We had such promise. There were many struggles: the equipment didn’t always work as it should, we were late getting on the air, sometimes guests due to time zone differences called in later, we would get to an event and it was not as it was told us that it would be, and there were times we would be missing equipment and would have to run and go purchase it. But those were some of the best times I’ve ever had. I got to work with some amazing people. We made do and of course there were some complaints but that time taught me how to flow through some of the toughest circumstances and not allow the experience to taint whatever we were doing. But most of all I learned that when you’re being Innovative that things will not always go as planned and most of the times that the plans will change after you’ve done a lot of the hard work but when you’re willing to forge ahead instead of it all it creates an intense tenacity and drive in you that it separates the men from the boys. When you’re smart you learn from those experiences and do it better the next time, so I strive to make each project I touch better every time. My strength or Superpower is that I live in a space of innovation and in that space I allow myself to change my mind, to throw away the work, start over, use the work differently, or go with the flow of the Universe. I found that when you’re not stuck to an idea or plan that is where the most creative magic happens and out of it is birthed some of the most beautiful moments in time. If I could change anything I would not, the experience forever solidified that this is what I am to do and I love what I do. #superpower #innovative #trendsetter #empirebuilder

work

I Love


CAM01206

I love

your hues of brown

some light

in some places

dark

in others

hues

melded together

making colors

never before seen

I love

your hands

always warm

Beautiful

but yet strong

your feet

although worn

are like stilts

taking you higher

Although pain

guides them with

each step

I love

your eyes

small

but they

see

father

than you could

ever imagine

that you

would go

I love

your mouth

not too big

yet not too small

lips

perched

ready to bless

with thoughts

given by

the Creator

I love

your mind

you see your faults

but are eager

to change them

into greatness

because you know

that learning is

better

than not

And that life

is about growing

and

getting better

I love

your stretch marks

they bear witness

to the life

that you gave

A constant reminder

that you

are the root

that gives

nourishment

to the tree

its branches

and leaves

It took awhile

to see you

but now

I do

and

I love you

for who you were

For who you are

for who you will become

I love me…

Another Level


You know how we get

all

holier than thou

And we

think about what

we wouldn’t do

so

but what if

the Creator asked you

It might seem

crazy

to everyone else

but

he wants you to

And

When you’re done

you’ll have gone to a whole

other level

What if

the person who you thought

was doing something

wrong

or crazy

because you wouldn’t

that God would

What if you

were about to

watch a miracle

unfold

I said

“Let me see one”

Who would’ve thought

Just Write~September 13, 2013


IMG_6923

You ever feel like all that you are and all that you know is changing underneath your feet? I’ve heard for many years about the Creator being the potter and we’re the clay but today, I am totally feeling it.  I feel like I’m being stretched, pulled, and shaped into something brand new and most times it is very uncomfortable but I know that it’s for my good.

Those around me may not know that something is going on looking from the outside in, but my spirit is changing.  For about the last nine or ten years I’ve asked the Creator to give me the ability to discern other people’s spirits. I asked of this because I knew that I needed the ability to do so if I were to move forward in life quicker and not be at a standstill or a loss because I had closed my eyes to the world around me. In my past life it took me longer to recover from not seeing people and things for who and what they were because I had walked through life blindly and when the shoe dropped I had acted as if I didn’t see it coming. To me, the spirit of discernment is just the ability to see things for what they are, make the best decision possible, and act upon that decision.

I have seen what I believe are distinct instances into the characteristics of some people around me and it is hard sometimes to not want to allow a person chance after chance to get it right, especially after you’ve told them who you are and what you will and will not allow. Often they make light of it or disrespect it. Not blatantly but in a get over it or yourself type of way by ignoring your words and continue to do the same as before you so stated.  I will them to see me and to get who I am but it is not always so, I move on. In my discernment I recognize that I don’t have time to wait for those around me to get it because I’m trying to get it myself.  My thought is, even if you don’t get it, respect it, and respect me. I came to the conclusion that not all, but many paths in my life I’ve allowed others to decide how they wanted to see me and I then acted accordingly or never corrected them. Now, life is about being better to me and finding out what feels right for me. I say for, and not to because they are not always the same. What’s right for me doesn’t always immediately feel good to me.

I never understood the concept of saying “so and so is trying to hold me back,” well I don’t know what the circumstances surrounding anyone else has been but I believe that the people holding me back could possibly be me. I say it could possibly be me because although there are instances where I’ve noticed the forcefulness of others to try to pull me into their world; I’ve had to resist the temptation to do so. And when I couldn’t or shall I say didn’t, I was left to pick up pieces of myself. It can be hard because it either feels like you’re being insensitive to their needs, or you’re being selfish, or that you’re being rude by not indulging them. Trust me, I don’t use the term forceful lightly either. When people don’t respect your boundaries or who you are, it feels like they are forcing you to either conform to what they want and not what you need. It is a pulling away of your soul. The sad part is that I don’t think that people recognize that they are tearing you away from your soul in order to change you into what they prefer. At least I’d rather think that they don’t know because the other thought would be way too much to bear.

Life will come to do what it’s supposed to do


PhotoXpress: Sergey Galushko
PhotoXpress: Sergey Galushko

Today started out like any other day, until I did my normal routine of checking for reviews on my first novel.  It would happen at the very moment that my second novel is to come out that I would receive a very negative review. I had to laugh at myself because my first reaction was “Huh?” I thought maybe the reviewer had placed the wrong review on my book’s page.  Shocked by the review, I realized that it was real.  I sent the link to the three people who mattered most with regards to my book; my editor, my #1 fan, and my partner.  I decided in that moment that I was going to be okay and that this is something to be expected because everyone is not going to like everything. I had a good laugh about it and then asked myself “What are you going to do about it?” I told myself that I would press on and let it roll down my back just enough to keep me in check; to keep me motivated, to work harder, and to do better.

For the past two years, the Creator has been toughening my spirit so to speak. He has been preparing me for the trials that are going to come because I know that there will be many. He has been putting down in my spirit all of the necessary tools I’ll need to do my job. He has also been faithful to place the right people in my midst to help me to continue on. You see, I believe in my heart that I have a purpose as a messenger and I cannot let anything get in the way of doing that. There are going to be times that people may not agree with what I am doing or what I have to say but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I say it.

One of the toughest things in life is to do what you believe that you are called to do in the face of opposition.  But the key is to not question yourself, but to move forward. There will be many obstacles but I know that I must remain calm, and know that life is coming to do exactly what it is supposed to do; challenge me.