InkMann Press–Paying Attention


Love, honor, and cherish the spaces that you find yourself in, for life can change rather quickly.–Kai Mann

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I have found myself in a space of take-it-all-in’edness. I know that’s not a word but it so describes the spirit I am in. I have been paying attention to what the Universe has given me privilege to partake in and to view from the seat of my own soul. Perceptions and perspectives have changed over the last twelve months allowing my spirit to open wide with transformative intentions. I would be lying if I said the entire twelve months I have gone willingly. You would have thought I would; I would’ve thought I would, but there were parts of me unwilling to open the eyes of my understanding to see past my own lids. Some things I fought against like a child holding on to its last days of childhood forbidding going into adulthood. That part of me has decreased today as the more adult me is able to talk the child into moving forward when the motion is necessary out of future pain or suffering.

 

You see, rarely do we understand that what we might feel now will not compare to what we’ll feel later if we do not move when the opportunity presents itself. If you’ve ever gotten the chance to live when others have not: or to witness life happen to someone else in a way that if misconstrued you’d get the rest of life  all wrong, then you knew that it was purpose. It was purpose that granted you access to see the view at the top of the mountain, to tell a story, to learn a lesson, or to help someone else. I thank God that I have been able to see and feel life from a different vantage point. A vantage point, that if I had not seen correctly, I would’ve missed the advantage.

 

For most of my life I hated to see people about to get into trouble, be in pain, or anything that could hurt them. I’d turn away. I couldn’t even watch a movie that I could feel the protagonist’s trouble before it happened and would get up to go do something so I wouldn’t have to watch that part of the movie. My DNA is programmed to want others to win and when it would look as if they weren’t I would turn my head away so as not to see them lose. One thing I had failed to realize was that I hated to see my own self lose. I’d turn my head away from me when I felt I was about to get into trouble, make a mistake, or be in pain just so I wouldn’t have to witness it.

 

Today what I have learned from that behavior was that the pre-warned feelings were giving me the opportunity to change course, correct my sail, or to just do something different. I hadn’t realized that my instincts were protecting me so I wouldn’t have to experience whatever trouble, mistake, or pain so drastically. Me diverting my attention or closing my eyes would cause the most intense pain because I’d still have to drive right through it even with eyes wide shut making the devastation much worse.

 

On a different street but in the same neighborhood I too realized that shying away from the experiences of others would leave me hallow. To live life as a shell of a person who lacked depth because she had denied herself the privilege of experiencing life through the eyes of another. I can’t say that it has been easy but the connections I have made just opening myself up to experiencing my own life, as well as the lives of others, has added value to my soul. No longer will I allow myself to miss out on the moments for fear that they may turn ugly, when all of life is so beautiful.

InkMann Press Series ~ The Weekend


PicsArt_11-23-08.43.31Today I was going over my weekend in my head and I wasn’t certain how it had gone.  After thinking about the plans that I had set for the weekend, I realized that I had done everything I set out to do. Although everything went as planned it was my mulling over my intentions that made me feel like something was missing. In reflecting over the events of the weekend I came across some weak spots; the kind of weak spots where you know for certain that you could’ve done better.  My instant response was  for me to be disappointed for a moment but I knew I couldn’t stay and needed to change my thinking so I told myself that I had to do better the next time.

I truly feel proud as I realized that I could change the tone of my life by changing the conversation that I have with myself. And I am excited to know that with small changes you can have big victories and in turn get everything in life that you are working hard for. I often times have to remind myself like many I have a ways to go but it’s not as far as I think. And I know for sure that it’s the staying the course that will help you grow.

I must be transparent and admit that I have schisms at times, but who doesn’t. I’ve seen those schisms appear when the Universe has granted me the things I’ve stated that I wanted most, as well as what I convinced myself that I could handle.  I think the problem was that I wasn’t fully aware of all the necessary things that I’d have to do to get it, keep it, and maintain it.

I’ve always said that I wanted to be in a space where I’m able to grow and reach my fullest potential. But I never counted on having to be taught, chastised, or challenged. It’s through this entire growing process that I’ve learned how to put my ego in check and put things into perspective, and lead with wisdom.

I recognize my own human frailties and realize that if you have a vision for yourself allowing ego to rise up and stay will get you nowhere and keep you stuck right where you are.

You ever have someone try to talk to you about you but you’ve been doing you for so long that your schisms have become habits? You don’t even know that you have these schismatic habits until someone pulls your coat tail and you’re face to face with yourself. It’s those times that you’re forced to really look at you, and all that you do.

When you’re walking in ego and your habits are called into question your feelings get hurt and you feel like your toes have gotten stepped on. Usually one of two things will happen; you’ll either go off on the person that you feel stepped on your toes and act like they’re wrong for doing so. Or you’ll let it burn for about 3 seconds, swallow, and then take a look at what they’re saying from a different angle. The key is to always go outside of yourself to feel what they see. Their response to you might have something to do with what ‘you’ do and how ‘you’ do it. I had to admit that when others tell you about you it doesn’t always feel good. But in fact that is what is needed some times. Now the question is; what will you do? Hopefully the answer is that you’ll tell the ego to go sit down somewhere, take the information as it is given, find out where the issue comes from, release it, and change the behavior?  If you don’t, ego will leave you in places you didn’t want to be. Places you look up from many years later to see past opportunities not taken. When we know better we should do better.

All of that is what I got from my weekend when I recognized some of the weak spots that had taken place and why they had taken place. You’re probably wondering why I was going over my weekend looking for weak spots in the first place.  I vowed about eight months ago that I wouldn’t do anything else half way again. No matter where I am in life I want to always strive to better myself in every area.  The truth is I have a new found respect for self improvement and doing the work that makes the work the best work that can ever be done.