Reset or Reboot


I like my privacy so much so that even though I work on the 4th floor I use the bathroom on the 3rd floor because there are less offices on that floor which means less people in the bathroom. (That’s just the precursor) Well, yesterday I walked down the stairs to the 3rd floor and down to the end of the hall to the restroom and handled my business. The next thing I knew I was opening the door inside the stairwell to the 4th floor only I wasn’t sure of where I was when I did. For about 2-3 seconds I was lost. I didn’t recognize the hallway and then I did. When I realized that I was now on the 4th floor about to enter the office to where I work, I walked in.

If any of you know me, you know that my mother suffered from alzheimers for over twenty years and had been diagnosed around the age of 53. I’m 49. Well anyway, of course that was the first thought that entered my puzzled mind as I opened the door to the office. My face must’ve been still puzzled when a co-worker asked me if I was okay. I told her what happened and she said I do that all of the time driving to work. I said “Yes, I’ve done it driving lots of times too” but I guess you can do it walking as well, it’s just that it has never happened to me before.” Even still, I chose to go with that instead of the alzheimers theory.

This morning when I got up I thought about the events that occurred the day before in between thoughts of other thoughts. Suddenly I became aware that my thoughts have been all over the place for a few months some finished and some unfinished; and that maybe yesterday’s event was a reset or reboot. I began to think about how many times we go through life on auto-pilot ending up somewhere we know but for some reason can’t recognize only because we have no clue of how we got there. Funny thing is, I’ve been in what I thought was a state of “mindfulness” trying to be mindful of all my intentions and forgetting to be mindful of the moment.

In my day to day any moment that I have in between work (theirs, mine, and the others) I try to stay on top of things and utilize every moment to do something else. The only problem with that is that I am not making time for myself. I’m bombarding myself with everything that I have to do while missing the moments to appreciate the things that I have done and where I am at now; physically, spiritually, and mentally. All I know is, I’ve got to do better. Yesterday’s wake up call leads me to believe that I need to harness the ‘Power of Now‘. I think this weekend I’ll take the time be still.

 

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My Soul Smiles


Today I was given the opportunity to share my accomplishments, hopes, dreams, and latest endeavors with a co-worker. Much to her surprise she had no idea of all the things that I had done and still pray faithfully to do, in what she would call a short time. I shared with her that I felt like I am at the half way point in my life and if I didn’t do those things in which I dream of now, then when. I went on to tell her that my mother was diagnosed with pre-senile dementia when she was 53 years old that later developed into Alzheimer’s. Simply put, that is 10 years from now and if by some chance I should receive the same fate as my mother, I want to have had a life basically worth dying for. Although my mother would live for twenty plus years with Alzheimer’s I do know that in her short time here with us that she did whatever she wanted to do. She lived a full 53 years.  Her diagnosis would give me the fuel to seek out those things in life that I had been dreaming of since I could remember and on the eve of what would be her 77th birthday I get quiet to recognize my own life; where I’ve been and where I am going. Often I have thought that I too would live a short life as she did which in turn made me realize not only how precious life is but how we have to seek out our purpose in life and go for it, guns blazing.  Although it would seem sad that someone had to die so that I could live, I am reminded that it was not the first time.

I wouldn’t say that I’m living so that I could die; but when I’m gone I want to have accomplish more than I could have ever dreamed of. As for today I sit quiet and think of what I want to accomplish in the next ten years and my soul smiles.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom


My Mother
Paulette Ernestine Hall

Mother’s Day

I have been without my mother for the last twenty-four years. Most of that time she was here in the physical but her spirit was long gone. I was nineteen when my mother was diagnosed with Pre-senile Dementia which later would become Alzheimers. My Mother lived twenty-one years with this disease taking away a very lively and vivacious woman, turning her into something totally opposite.  It was tough seeing someone who had portrayed such a strong passion for life; trade it in for something almost non-existent. At one point in my life I felt robbed, during the time I was to come into the person I was going to be, I felt left without instruction. As time grew I came to realize that my Mother had been teaching me in such a short period of time about life and how to enjoy it while you’re here.

My Mother loved life and lived it to its fullest every day that she could.  I can still hear all the wives-tales that she would say and my thinking “What?” and laughing. Now as I am older, I realize that she was leaving me bits and pieces of herself and giving me words that I would live by. Although I have missed her since I was a teen, I have also carried her beautiful smile with me ever since.  The saying goes “You only have one Mother” is without measure and the one I had, was the best one for me. Thank you mother for our time together, the dancing we did will forever be in my heart and spirit. Much Love Queen!