There are times when you have to be real with yourself. You must take hard looks at cycles that come up for you and ask “Is this a repeat of an old lesson I have yet to learn? ” And if it is, you must do something entirely different than you’ve ever done before. Repeating old, outdated patterns is not a trait of elevated consciousness nor is it enlightened. –Kai Mann
I feel like this season, like any, I need to take my awareness to a higher level. This season represents a space to understand where my patterns have kept me stagnant, held me hostage and could possibly doom me to repeat a life that renders me useless in the grand scope of consciousness. Recently a situation came up for me that felt familiar and as I was about to walk, way down deep into it, something said “Wait, this feels oddly familiar. ” I sat and thought “why?” then I began to remember the past circumstances where this very same situation seemed to play out in my life and the results of doing the same thing I was about to do yet again. I said, I cannot do this again. I realized that in my life I’ve played the savior to others and as someone who would save a drowning person that was trying to live, they end up killing you. Not because they wanted to but because they were trying to save themselves. We all know the scene where someone is drowning, and another person jumps in to help, and the drowning victim pulls the one saving them down in the water trying to hold on to them in order to breathe and then the one saving them dies. I’ve been in places like that out of water where I’ve gone in deep to help someone and I’ve suffered for doing so. Whatever I had I had given willingly, they took it not knowing my situation and it was all I had to give to them and to myself. (They never asked either, because they didn’t want to know, they didn’t care or they made assumptions that were untrue) I can count on both hands the number of times that I’ve repeated this pattern unconsciously throughout my life with different people. Now conscious, what I realize is that I didn’t have enough to assist us both and that there are many ways to help someone without causing harm to myself.
So, as much as I want to help people, I’m becoming more aware of my own situation. My awareness of where I am, what my limitations are and maybe this time the kind of help I give are things that I am not using or don’t need, or resources outside of my own that haven’t already been assigned a use. Things that don’t physically, mentally or financially cost me myself, my potential and experiences.
This past month has been one of looking at my past behaviors and coming to terms with the cycles of repetition that I have allowed on my path. One of my biggest frustrations this lifetime is repeating things that do not serve me. Things like this that have never served me because although you should feel good for helping others, for me when it had been all said and done, I was left too broken to be in a state of gratefulness. (Grateful for being able to help someone.) I came to realize too that in the spirit of helping others I was trying to do it at a time when trying to pull myself up to another level. This effort always brought me back down to the level I was trying to get away from. Then I came to really understand that sometimes you have to let people go. You have to leave them to their own devices or experiences and move on. Not because you don’t love them, or you don’t care but because you simply can’t. It’s hard because you want to be there for them like you’d want someone to be there for you, but you have to understand that sometimes the help people need, they cause. And just like you are becoming self-aware of your own patterns they have to become aware of their own and take action. And they can’t if you’re always there to help reacting from a state of co-dependency. Yes, I said it. Co-dependency. Notice I said every time I was about to step up, I had to realize too that maybe there was a type of fear of stepping up that I sabotaged my own self after a while. I am aware of the pattern and today, I no longer am willing to repeat that cycle, so I am steering clear of that situation and doing what I should’ve done all along for me, and that is, step-up!