If you’re going to get ‘real’ with yourself, you must get naked to do so. That’s the only way to get a good look.
Every 7 years or so like clockwork, “It’s time to change”. I had been asking source to lead me higher or deeper whichever is next. My higher self whom I love dearly challenged me to take my clothes off and to really give myself a good look. So, I did. I got naked and looked at myself. I had never done this before. What I saw shocked me. Instantly I began to criticize parts of me and realized, “Oh my god have I done this to anyone else?” instantly judging someone else’s appearance. I instantly felt how it must’ve felt. I began to look even deeper at my body folds, where they folded, the skin where it was not as tight as it used to be. I looked at some form of muscles that for some reason has decided to hang in there from years ago when I was working out almost every day. I say to myself “All I need to do is work out again consistently”. Then, I saw myself soft, I saw myself hard, I saw me aging and then I saw myself “Beautiful”. Then, I too saw myself “woman”. I saw myself “mother” and I said, “This is what’s been carrying me around this whole entire lifetime.” I began to smile. I look at all of me. I pose in full length and begin to laugh. Smiling and being grateful for what I saw because I am still here. But I look at me and begin to love me on a deeper level. Love every inch and understand why the need to be naked as I was. It was necessary for me with open eyes to see all of me.
I began to innerstand that there are levels to looking at yourself, to everything really. In all things, you must consider where you are. And I couldn’t do it, consider where I was, until I really looked at myself to see where I had been. There are times when you gotta go deeper and in order to do so you’ve gotta take off all of the layers that you’ve accumulated during this lifetime. You got to let go of things people did to you that hurt you. You have to let go of self matrydom. And all the things that stop you from learning from each layer without putting it on and wearing it like the guy did in the Silence of the Lamb.
I would say that I hope this is my last layer but too afraid that if it is what’s next. But at the same time if this is the last layer maybe it’s time to manifest from all the layers (lessons) that I’ve taken off. It’s funny when you begin to realize that it was you that was holding you back. Putting on or wearing things that didn’t fit because you were running from who you were. I looked so deep at myself that I saw that I had hated the way I was because it seemed to not work for me, so I became the total opposite. Seemingly I had convinced myself that I had spent my life looking out for the other person that this time I was going to look out for me and overly corrected. Boy, I tell you it’s like driving an 18-wheeler and having to make a U-turn in the middle of the highway.
When you’re looking at yourself, the judgement that initially ensues comes from a multitude of experiences. It’s partly how you were raised. My mom used go to weight watchers, but I never really saw her exercise. She was an avid dancer but that was on weekends. She was always on a diet it seemed but without change of diet or exercise. But I knew that she hated her body even if she never said it. During school, anyone who was a little heavy were looked at differently. Funny thing is now I’m asking myself “Is that really true?” I realize that’s what growth looks like. Like you are facing yourself in the mirror getting eye to eye and challenging the old you to come out from under there so that we can move forward. And so, I do, and I am glad and feeling healthier than ever.
I am so glad that I took the time to take care of myself.
Kai Mann 