You thinking about how it’s time to go to the next level and you wondering why it’s taking so long. You wonder why it’s not moving faster. You think about how you feel it pulling on you but you’re still sitting there stuck. Stuck like you still wearing an old summer outfit that’s two inches too small and it’s deep into winter. You holding on to it and afraid to let it go. The Universe is moving you into another place. The scenery is changing but you still holding on to the way it used to look scared to let go. You say you want that and you thinking you do, and that your feet are moving towards it; then you realize they’re not. I hate to repeat stuff. But you have to until you get it. But sometimes you wonder is it really me or is it something slowing me down. Is it that I know this level is going to call for something greater that I don’t have? Well at least not yet. We get afraid of what we’ll look like sometimes if we made that next step. To ourselves and others. You try to hang on because you said it’s what you want and you’re thinking you’re taking the step, but you look down and your feet aren’t moving still. You think why am I hanging on. You feel you are moving and you’re not because it’s ‘your’ feet that’s not moving. There’s no one in the way. It’s just you. You ask yourself if you are slowing down. Are you tired of this process and taking a moment to breathe so that you can get your head back in the game? Are you taking the time? Or is the Universe making you? Is it making you because you’re missing something and it’s not your turn to go yet? So, you look around for the next lesson because you know it’s coming and it does, you believe you get it and you’re still here…why?
Your Body feels like it’s no longer yours. It feels different. Your thoughts are changing, you feel your toes and your heart. They tingle. You begin to understand things differently. I believe that’s called “experience” but some of us never realize that’s what it is and calls it game “over”.
It’s only when you get to the space that you’re so uncomfortable that you begin to let everything go because it begins to be painful that you begin to open your hand to release cause you realize that if you don’t nothing else can come. You’ll be here forever. Been here before. Did I say that I didn’t like to repeat myself? Earlier I was writing this on my phone and went to get my laptop. I came back and closed almost everything on my phone, and it was so good because it was my first thoughts– raw, awakening, peaceful and filling to have it deleted. I usually copy and paste periodically when I write on my phone so that I don’t do that very thing but hey. I can’t keep worrying about it. I got to keep going. You have to be able to get the lesson and use it. That’s how I learn but if I don’t get it, I repeat it until I do. Sometimes you go through things and can clearly see what the problem is but then you have to take it a step further and figure out “why” or you’ll repeat it cause that’s the obvious answer. You aren’t doing it now and if maybe you do something different you can move on into the next phase. I want to say that I don’t remember this ever being this hard. But is it hard because it’s been a long ass time? I was about to go into a long ass story. “It was 1919 (blah blah blah) type of story…Just as soon as I did, I understood that’s the problem. The Story. It would be difficult if I didn’t remember when they are, but this is that space where it’s about to get uncomfortable and I don’t’ know what it’s going to look like. So, I start trying to replace fear with actual pictures of what I want it to look like and create the feeling of it as good things happen, excite me or make me feel like that’s what I want all of the time for the rest of my life. I take mental notes and then lean back and take a real deep breathe in. I’m just trying to be this write here (and I do mean ‘write’). I love this space. I could just sit right here.
Hey, what you doing? Nothing, just repeating myself.
Ramblings/Musings by kai mann