Every once in awhile I just let my mind go just so I can see what it is that I am really feeling. As soon as one thought comes, sometimes it goes a little deeper. Here is a part of what I was rambling about the other day while listening to music and typing to the beat…
Sometimes it’s just that one person that has our back no matter what. (The Creator) The one who would dare anyone else to say a negative word about us and they are ready to cause Karma to rain down on the one who does. A lot of people say things are not like they used to be. People are not like they used to be. What happened to the one who would dare to call you friend no matter what? What about the one that said that no one better say anything about you? Where are they at? If you got that, you’ve got a good thing. ( I realize that I do. Thank you God!)
They say it’s lonely at the top, funny thing is I thought the top would be something else, but it’s not. The top is this wonderful feeling that I’m feeling right now. I feel so good right now because I feel like I am on top of the world. I believe the top has many levels and I can’t wait to see if the feeling I am having right now can be topped.
I trust that the Creator loves me no matter what. I think he’s got my back because it couldn’t be anything else. I feel so close to him right now. I think about all the things my friend has pulled me through. There were some dark days. There were some dark times. But he pulled me through.
Have you ever thought that you weren’t going to make it? Like your heart is gonna give out any minute and you’re just waiting for it to stop? Whew! That was hard. There was once a time that I thought I wasn’t gonna make it! I didn’t know what I was gonna do. I went through so many emotions that I can’t even explain them to myself and the one emotion I’m feeling right now is the best! I can’t even explain it to you. I feel like I’m doing something different. I’m doing something I’m supposed to be doing. Like everything that is happening in my life right now somehow is supposed to be happening. I just want to experience it without judgmental eyes. (My own judgemental eyes.) I just want to feel everything that I can. I just want to be so open….my heart is beginning to race right now. My breathing is getting shallower and shallower. You only get one life. One. I’m serious, only one! You can’t come back and do shit! You can’t do nothing. Once it’s over. It’s over. Why can’t you just let yourself be happy? Why won’t you just breath and let yourself go a little and see what happens. If it’s not better than this right here, right now, no love loss because this right here is good. You’ve got this far. Whew! But if you can get a little closer. Just a little more closer and see what happens. Just the mere thought of something better sometimes makes me have to catch my breathe. I feel like my lungs are already taking too much in. The Creator has given me a lot already. When I think back, I think that I was supposed to be dead at least two times that I know of. What about those times I wasn’t even looking. That scares me!
I just wanted to write something. I’ve been…what you call it? “Oh yeah, writers block! I don’t really believe that I had writers block. I think sometimes the Creator has something so good he has for us to write and he has to stop us for a minute so that we can see it…see it real good. Do you know what I mean. He just wants us to slow it down a minute. Take a minute so you don’t miss anything. Sometimes we get so excited and start going and doing. Then the next thing you know, you doing so much that you can even see what you’re doing. Whew, that just juggled my heart a little bit. I had to breathe way deep! Just the thought of doing something great and not actually seeing it was a trip. What are you doing? What are you doing that ‘s making you feel like that? You are feeling like that right? Better than that? No? Ohhh…Man! No, you gotta find it. You gotta feel it too. You’ve got to find something in you that makes you feel positively overwhelmed. Like your life is so good right now that you don’t know if you could take it if it got any better. It’s not fair if I feel it by myself. Man, if we can all just get here, there would be so much peace in the world.
Everything around us is in cahoots to distract us. We are so blind that we don’t even see it. It’s kind of sad. If you mess up they’re aren’t a whole lot of people who will be there to tell you its okay. So what, you messed up. I got you!
I don’t even know whether to dance or write or do both right now because I’m so excited! I’m about to enjoy myself until I can’t. Cause it’s like I said earlier, when it’s over it’s over. You better enjoy it. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing. Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it either. Sometimes you could be in so much pain and nobody knows it. You could be in so much pain that you just want to let all the tears in the world roll down your eyes. But it’s okay though because that pain is about growth. You see, you can’t look at the pain in a negative way. You’ve got to look at it as necessary to stay alive. You gotta have the pain to do two things; to let you see the past and to let you see the future at the same time.
Life is so short that there are people out here trying to tell you just how short it is. For real, do what you want to do. Don’t hold yourself up from doing what you were supposed to do because you might be a little afraid or you’re still a little unsure of yourself. You’re different. Yes, that you are. Just do you. Do what you are supposed to do and be you.
Kai Mann 