>Pain

>Allowing yourself to feel pain is hard. No one wants to be in pain no matter what kind of pain it is.  It’s normal to want to mask the pain that you’re feeling by any means necessary; drugs, alcohol, sleep, sex, food, or anything that can get you through the next moment.  The pain of the heart for however long is truly hard.  Heal thyself is the only thing I can think of.  When I was going through it, I didn’t want to mask it with anything because I knew I wouldn’t remember it in later situations and would risk doing the same thing again.  I wanted to go through it, write about it, figure it out, and be healed as not to go through it again.  Not again at least of my own accord, knowing that I can not control anyone else.  I was hurting so bad because I was in love with someone who I believed was not in love with me.  I could ask myself how did I get there but I knew how. The worst thing ever is to start something new with someone else when you hadn’t gotten over the old.  You’ll create your own space, a space that could wreck havoc on your very soul.  You’ll create a hole, void of any light; just darkness, seclusion & loneliness even though it is light all around you it’ll still be dark.  The sad part is, I did just that.  I wrecked havoc on the new relationship. I began to reject it because of things I had gone through, things I had seen, and even things I had experienced.  I became a tyrant, I became jealous, I became insecure because I did not allow myself the real space & time to heal.  My mind became polluted with every situation that happened to me.  Everything seemed to knock chips off the foundation that I thought I had built for myself.  I realized that the house that I built was not built with wood, I found it to be built with bricks not allowing the house to bend & stretch and weather the storms.  My shoulders began to sag, my head began to lower and I became unstable as the storms of life banged against the bricks causing them to tumble & fall until there was no more.  I had not healed from the first go round and I made myself hard and then I became hard to deal with & even live with.  I could think of alot of things that I did not deal with but that isn’t the issue right now.  Right now the issue is to deal with everything now so you can begin a new, begin to heal, and began to be “you”.  The you God called you to be.  All the things in life that happened were just distractions, experiences, and things you needed to go through in order to grow.  What have I learned from any of this?  For starters, first, get your own; you’ll appreciate it more & so will others.  Be your own person and not live for others.  I had gotten through the hurt of the relationship of betrayal but I never got over it making it hard for me to heal from it.  I put a bandaid over it as to cover it up but no ointment to heal the broken skin or even clean the wound.  Now I know that I should’ve cleaned the wound, put some kind of cream on it so it doesn’t get infected, and allow it time to heal.  The pain is going to be there but oneday you’ll look up and it is there no more.  I have decided to feel the pain that I feel for the loss that has occured.  If you want to cry, cry.  If you want to be angry, be angry.  Whatever emotion that you feel allow yourself to feel it.  Don’t let people tell you that you shouldn’t or that you should just simply “Get over it”.  I believe that is what’s wrong with most people anyway.  People walking around with bandaids to cover their wounds, never to look back at it again calling themselves getting over it.

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